Vita Excedere
by KneeDeepinInk
Summary: GSR. Originally written in 2007: An unexpected illness changes everything. Eventual character death, so be warned. Looking back now, this story is somewhat ominous as I lost my father to this very disease 3 years after I began this story.
1. Chapter 1

**Impending Silence**

**This does not take place along any particular time line. **

**Again, I do not own CSI, or the characters (well, except the couple I made up). I just enjoy writing about them.**

* * *

Gil Grissom stood at the kitchen window, staring out at the rain that pummeled the backyard. He was sipping his coffee, watching as the sidewalk became transformed into a small river when he heard shuffling from behind him.

Turning around, he saw his small daughter stumble into the kitchen rubbing her eyes with a tiny little hand. She wore her favorite pink Disney Princess nightgown and drug along behind her Zoe, her stuffed rabbit. Audriana Janelle Grissom was the near image of her mother, with the exact chocolate brown eyes and perfectly pouty lips. She did, however, have her father's curls in her dark brown hair and a perfect little dimple on her chin.

"Hey, Sweety." Gil greeted, going over to scoop her up in his arms. He gave her a hug, kissing her soft cheek; she smelled like toothpaste and fabric softener. "Good morning...would you like some breakfast?"

She nodded as she yawned and Gil sat her on the counter, where she immediately proceeded to kick her little legs back and forth. He got her a glass of apple juice and handed her the cup. "Where is Mommy?"

"She's gettin' Alex." Kick, kick, kick. "He gots a cough and Mr. Biggles is sick." She took a drink of the juice, pressing her eye to the edge of the plastic cup to examine the contents as she kicked her feet.

Gil nodded. When the twins were born, Audriana came first and had come out kicking; the ultimate sign of health. Their tiny son, Alexander James, had not been quite as lucky. The smallest of the two weighing barely over 4 pounds, he had been rushed immediately to the neonatal care unit and had suffered infections his entire short life. It seemed to Gil as though his son had spent more time in the doctor's office than out playing in the sun.

The discovery of Sara's pregnancy had been a shock for both of them. They had been married only six months and had made the decision to discontinue birth control so that they could try for a child in a year. Two months after making that decision, Sara had become pregnant and three months after that, they had discovered they were having twins. Nick had told them that for two people who had taken so long to get together, they were making up for lost time pretty quickly.

Gil had just finished putting a bowl of oatmeal (complete with fresh strawberries, cream, and some toast shaped like Mickey Mouse) in front of his daughter at the table, when Sara came down with their son in her arms, his head snuggled against her neck. Where Audriana was a near miniature replica of Sara, Alexander carried the traits of his father, down to the brilliant blue eyes and dimpled chin. The only variation was the lack of curls in his light brown hair.

"Hey." Gil greeted, kissing Sara softly before brushing his hand gently over Alex's hair. "How's he doing?" He kissed Alex, who snuggled closer to Sara.

"Mr. Biggles feels icky." Alex mumbled against his mother's skin, holding out a dark blue dog for his father to examine. "He gots a sore ache."

Gil took the dog. Both of his children's favorite objects had been gifts to them after their birth from Catherine, and both of his children refused to do a thing without them. He examined it seriously, holding it next to his ear to listen to the ache. For Alex, a 'sore ache' meant that his chest hurt and having one was a good indication of an oncoming infection.

"He's pretty scratchy this morning." Sara told him as she sat Alex at the table with his sister. "He has an earache so I gave him some Tylenol and I'll have Lindsey keep an eye on it today. She can call us if there is a problem."

She looked over at Gil who continued to check the stuffed animal over. He glanced at Sara and winked, making her smile. "Did you give Mr. Biggles some Tylenol?"

"Yes, I did and he spit it all over me." She responded, causing both of the children to giggle.

Gil went to his son as Sara poured herself coffee and prepared him some oatmeal. He placed his hand on Alex's forehead, feeling the slight warmth there and looked down at him, noting that his skin was paler than usual. Alex was, indeed, a tiny little person. Where his sister was growing at a normal pace, Alex lagged behind and was much smaller than the average two-year-old, seeming to spend most of his time just trying to catch up. He knelt in front of him to tweak his nose. "Well," He told him as he handed Mr. Biggles back. "Keep an eye on him today."

Sara had given birth to the twins during her 36th week of pregnancy. She had spent the previous few weeks at home, directed to bed rest, after having been diagnosed with preeclampsia. She had been fairly healthy the entire pregnancy, taking extra care of herself and continuing with a regular exercise regime that included a two-mile walk each day with Gil or Catherine; or both. Despite her attempts to stay healthy, she had become violently ill at work during her seventh month and spent a few days at the hospital before being sent home to wait for the twins' arrival. When her water broke a few short weeks later, Gil had rushed home from work to take her into the hospital, where she immediately underwent an emergency C-Section. And, although Audriana had been perfectly healthy, Alexander had aspired a mixture of amniotic fluid and meconium, developing a lung infection that had plagued him to this day.

* * *

He was in the laboratory, discussing some findings with Greg when his phone rang.

"Grissom." He said into the receiver, not having paid attention to who the caller was.

"Something's wrong with Alex." Lindsey said in a hurried voice.

"What is it?" He asked, knowing that sometimes Lindsey would freak out about small things, like the time that Audrey jumped off of the couch and scratched her elbow and the girl was convinced that she'd need emergency surgery or something.

"I think he has an ear infection." She told him. "He was crying because his ears hurt, but he doesn't have a fever or anything."

"Did you give him some Tylenol?" He asked, going through the list of reasons in his head.

"I tried, but he won't answer me when I call him." She replied. "I mean, it is like he can't hear me or something but I took his fever and it is okay so I don't know what to do...I tried to call Sara but I think she's in class and..."

"Lindsey," He interrupted. "If you look at him, will he answer you?"

There was a pause. "Yeah..." She said. "But he keeps telling me to talk and not just move my lips...Uncle Gil, I _am_ talking..."

Gil felt the panic begin in his stomach. The doctors had told them that one, or both, of their children could develop signs of the genetic otosclerosis that Gil had but he had hoped that it would never happen to them. Alex had been plagued with ear infections and had always seemed somewhat clumsier than Audrey, but each check by the doctor yielded no sign of the disease. He and Sara were still waiting for the appointment with the specialist to tell them that differently; they had wanted a second opinion.

"Okay." He sighed into the phone. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

* * *

He carried Alex into the doctor's office, feeling the warmth of his son's breath against his neck. Lindsey had stayed at the house with Audrey and he had placed a call to Sara to let her know what was going on. He'd had to leave a message, of course, knowing that she was still in class.

He had arrived at the house to find the twins busy coloring, drawing pictures of the rain that fell outside. Audrey had proudly shown her father a picture that she claimed was a fish; to Gil it looked like a pink blood smear with blue scribbles. He told her it was lovely and asked that she hang it on the refrigerator alongside some of their other artwork. Alex lay on his stomach in the middle of the living room, scribbling determinedly on a large piece of paper as his tiny legs kicked back and forth.

Gil called out to him and he didn't respond at first, so Gil repeated his name. Alex looked up and grinned madly as he jumped up off of the floor, rushing into Gil's arms excitedly. "I drew Daddy!" He told him as he squirmed to get back down. Gil placed him back on the floor and he ran over to the drawing, bringing to Gil.

Gil observed it, noting the dark green blob in the middle with a yellow spike above it. There were blue scribbles all around it and something that looked like a gray puff in the corner. "That's daddy." Alex said, pointing to the green blob. "See? It's raining."

Gil nodded. "What is this?" He asked, pointing to the yellow spike.

"Daddy, that's your hat!" Alex responded gleefully. Gil smiled down at him, deciding that he would take this picture to work and hang it in the office.

Lindsey observed them a moment before speaking. "I swear, Uncle Gil." She said in exasperation. "He couldn't hear me today. He thought I was playing, right Alex?"

The little boy did not respond his concentration still on his father and his picture. Gil furrowed his eyebrows at him. "Call him again."

"Alex?" Lindsey tried, again getting no response."Hey Alex..."

Gil kneeled down in front of Alex to look him in the eye. "Alex, did you hear Lindsey call your name?"

"And there's clouds." Alex said, as if not hearing Gil's words. "BIG clouds."

"Alex." Gil tried again, "Can you hear what I am saying to you?"

Alex giggled. "I like this game..."

Gil looked up at Lindsey, who had bent down to pick up Audrey. "What game, Alex?" He said loudly.

Alex giggled again, cupping his hands on both sides of Gil's face. "When you do this..." and he made movements with his mouth, no sound emerging, as though he were a fish.

And that is when Gil knew; his son was going deaf.

* * *

Surgery.

All of the signs had been there: clumsiness, recurring earaches but no infection, inattentiveness when spoken to at times. Sara had thought it was typical for a two-year-old boy. She had been told by the doctor time and time again that he would eventually outgrow it

No one ever prepared her for this.

There was no way she wanted someone to cut into her little boy; no way.

They discussed their options with his doctor; the same doctor who said he was fine, he would _'outgrow it'. _After Gil had taken him to that initial appointment, they had been sent to a specialist; even Alex's doctor could see that something just wasn't right with their little boy

They were told it had to be done "as soon as possible" and Gil told them how odd it was that they managed to speed things along when they failed to help him the first time.

The specialist told them that Alex could be fitted with specialized hearing aids to assist him in hearing until he was older and the disease had progressed. Sara thought it was a reasonable option, anything to keep him from having surgery. Gil, however, said _no_. He felt it was best to do the surgery now, while Alex was young, and give him every opportunity to have a normal life. Gil did not want his son to grow up in silence, he did not want him to never know what the ocean sounded like, what birds sounded like...what _sound_ sounded like.

Sara had conceded; after all, Gil had been through this already and he could hear just fine now. She trusted her husband and knew that he wouldn't subject either of their children to anything that could harm them. And so she had agreed reluctantly and sat now with her son in her arms, listening as the pre-op nurse explained to them everything that would happen during the procedure.

Alex was crying; the surgery center was big and white and there were no toys in this section he could play with. He wanted his sister, but Gil had arranged for her to go to a movie with Greg, explaining to her that Alex had yet another doctor's appointment. As the nurse prepared to walk Sara back to the pre-op doors where she would have to hand over he little boy, he began to wail, insisting that he wanted Mr Biggles; to Sara's relief, the pre-op nurse had agreed, fitting the little blue fluff ball with his own special mask and gown

She wanted to be there with Alex, she did not want this woman to take him away from her, to take him behind those doors where he would be scared and crying and wanting his mommy...wanting _her_. They will put him to sleep, Gil told her, he will be okay. But Sara knew by the look in his eyes that he didn't want to let go of him either; even if they did tell them it was a 'minor' surgery. That didn't matter to Sara; it was still surgery.

Once he was satisfied that Mr Biggles was comfortable, he allowed the nurse to take him out of Sara's arms and she watched as they carried his tiny form behind the doors that closed her off from him and she cried against Gil's shoulder while their son's world was to be changed forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**As you all know, I do not own CSI.**

**Note: _Italic sections are past "flashback" memories_**

* * *

_"You've got to breathe, Sara." Gil had said, holding onto her hand as he rushed towards the hospital._

_She sat stiffly against the cool seat of the car, gripping his hand so tightly that he felt she might break his bones. "Oh, God…I'm trying…" She nearly cried as another contraction hit her. "This hurts!" She said through gritted teeth. "God, this hurts!"_

_Gil was scared. He did not think there had ever been a time in his entire life that he had ever been so scared. Sara had called him at the lab, her voice full of panic when she explained that her water had broken while she was in the shower and telling him that she thought she was having contractions. _

_By the time he had skidded to a stop in their driveway, there was no doubt that his wife was in full-blown labor._

_And as he ran alongside her gurney as the doctors rushed her into the operating room, he had held her hand and told her "Everything will be fine, Honey" Even though he wasn't so sure of that himself._

* * *

"Mommy!" _Thump_ "Momma! Hey, Mommy! Wake up!"

Sara slowly opened one eye, looking over at the tiny face of Alex, which barely reached the top of the bed. She closed her eye again, trying to be asleep. Tiny fingers reached out, pushing up her eyelid. "I sees you are awake." He told her simply.

"I _see_." She corrected, being sure to use the little sign language she had managed to learn. "I _see_ you are awake."

"I _AM_ awake!" He proudly proclaimed, his hands signing madly as he clambered onto the bed with her. Sara groaned and looked at the clock; it was 5:30 in the morning on Saturday and her son was bouncing gleefully next to her.

"Aaalexx…" She groaned again, signing as she spoke. "Momma's tired…go back to bed."

"Mr Biggles had to go potty." He lay down on his stomach next to her, placing his chin in his hands to look at her. "...he falled in..."

'_Oh, God…not again'_ Sara thought as she glanced at her little boy; he looked so very much like Gil that he could nearly be his clone. "You are a cute little guy, you know that?" She asked him as she reached out to tweak his nose. "Thank you for not waking your sister."

He grinned, climbing to sit up on his knees. "Or Daddy." He said as he started crawling around like a dog.

"You're silly." Sara told him as she sat up. "Daddy's at work."

Alex began barking like a dog as he crawled in circles on the bed and Sara knew he had not heard her completely. He continued his paraded dog crawl across the bed, falling off the edge to land on Sadie, the kids' Irish setter.

Sadie simply reached her big head over and licked him on the face, making him giggle madly. "Sadie washin' me!" He squealed as the dog began wagging her tail madly at the squirming little boy on her back.

It had been 6 months since Alex had gone in for surgery; the doctors had barely gotten him prepped when the anesthesiologist noticed the slight fever and harrowed breathing. Alex was catching bronchitis; the surgery was canceled. Since that time, the surgery had been scheduled, and canceled, three additional times. The decision was finally made, against Gil's demands otherwise, to wait until he was older; hoping that his body would eventually outgrow the recurring respiratory infections he was constantly plagued with. Alex's hearing had decreased steadily since the first indication that there was a problem and though he could still hear most things, the doctors had fit him with tiny hearing aids to assist him with his increasing loss of sound perception.

Sara knew that Gil was angry about the decision to hold off on surgery; she knew that he blamed himself for their son's condition. She had talked him into teaching her and the children sign language and knew also that every time he taught their small son another word or phrase or sentence using sign, he was hating himself even more. Alex wasn't to the point where he needed to sign to understand, but Sara had wanted to get started on the learning process so that when he did need it, they all could use and understand it.

Gil had just wanted the surgery and he wanted it as soon as possible. It was the one and only area involving their children that they had disagreed; and it had been a big disagreement.

_"You can't tell me that you are okay with this!" He had fumed as he sat at his desk at the lab. Sara had stopped by to show Gil the results of Alex's last scan and had known that he would be unhappy with the results._

"_It isn't that I am okay with it, Gil" She had tried to explain. "I just don't want to keep subjecting Alex to these pre-op procedures when we all know they are pointless. It is too traumatic for him..."_

"_You don't think that going deaf is traumatic?" He had asked her coldly, looking up at her over the rim of his glasses, the doctor's report in his hands._

"_That is a low blow and you know it." She replied, crossing her arms. "I don't want a life of silence for Alex any more than you do..."_

"_But you wont agree to the surgery." He had said simply, giving her a look that said 'I've already decided you're a bitch'. _

"_Why are you pinning this guilt trip on me?" She retorted, ignoring the look he was giving her. "You are being a selfish ass, Gil, and you are not even thinking about what is best for Alex!"_

"_What is best for Alex is not being deaf, Sara!" He tossed the paper on the desk, ripping the glasses off of his face to rub his eyes momentarily. "If we don't do the surgery now..."_

"_If we don't do the surgery now," She replied, cutting him off as her own voice began to rise. "He can have it done in a few years, when his immune system is stronger; when his body can handle the procedure..."_

"_When he is already deaf." He glared at her. "That is what will happen, Sara. In a few years he will be completely deaf and the surgery will REALLY be pointless then. Is that what you want?"_

_He knew by the look on her face that he had crossed the line; it was one thing to challenge Sara's thought process, it was another to challenge her integrity as a parent._

"_I would rather have a son who is deaf, than to risk a surgery that could take my son away from me." She replied coolly. "If that is what you think makes me a bitch, makes me a terrible mother, then so-be-it..." She grabbed the door handle, looking at him one more time. "But, I am NOT going to risk my son's life just to make you feel less guilty about the card you have dealt him." _

_Gil felt the knife go in with a twist and stared thunderstruck as she stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind her with such force that Ronnie had looked up from the microscope in the lab to watch her cautiously. Sara could not have hurt him more if she had plunged the knife in herself and she hadn't cared; she had simply stomped out of the lab with the angry tears of a frightened parent burning in her eyes._

_It had taken a lot more than lilies and kisses for either of them to forget about it._

* * *

Sara climbed out of bed with Alex and Sadie in tow, going down the hall to the kids' bathroom to fish the blue dog out of the toilet. Alex watched her seriously as she wrapped it in a towel to bring down to the laundry, where it would yet again go through a ceremonial washing. According to her son, Mr. Biggles was learning to use the 'potty'; he just wasn't good at it and kept falling in...this was the 4th time this month that the little blue dog had ended up in the toilet

Sara was just thankful that Alex hadn't flushed it this time.

After depositing the stuffed animal in the laundry and saying the ceremonial 'wash' prayer with Alex, Sara went into the living room while Alex and Sadie sat in front of the washing machine to keep an eye on Mr. Biggles. She smiled at herself as she saw Gil sprawled out on the front room sofa, one arm thrown over his head as he slept soundly.

She grabbed a blanket and went to him, removing his shoes gently before covering him with the blanket and bending down to kiss him softly on the corner of his mouth. She still could not believe how lucky she was to have him; how lucky she was to have the life they had built together. There were times, such as this, when she really felt that everything about it was just a wonderful, wonderful dream.

After all, she and Gil had not always been the most successful couple. As a matter of fact, up until a few months before their marriage, she had questioned their ability to even _be_ a couple

_She had sat in the car next to him, several months after she had fled Las Vegas. He had come to California to find her, to work out the issues between them. They were almost at the point where they did not feel it was possible; they loved each other so much, they were convinced they were destroying each other_

_"Are we dysfunctional?" He had asked her as they sat in silence in front of her hotel_

_She'd chuckled dryly before looking at him "Yeah, Gil..." she nodded "Yeah...we're pretty dysfunctional..."_

_"Can we fix it?" His sincerity was obvious "Do you think it is possible for us to become functional?"_

_This time she smiled at him, taking his hand "Anything is possible..."_

To Sara, it still seemed an impossible reality that she was in fact, Mrs. Gilbert Grissom...and that they had not only proven that being a functional couple was possible, but that they'd also proven to be a very functional family. She had always feared that she would be like her parents; violent, angry, abusive. All during her pregnancy she had worried; she did not feel violent but always thought it was something that happened once the children were born. She was so very thankful to find out it wasn't.

Sara Sidle-Grissom had turned out in fact to be an extraordinary mother.

By 9 AM, both Alex and Audrey were rushing around the house with busy childlike activity. Sara sat at the desk in the office working through some homework as they played in Audrey's room performing "surgery" on Zoe who had apparently suffered a traumatic dresser accident; Sadie, of course, was the doctor expected to fix the 'booboo'. Sara decided not to ask and just allow the children their imagination time.

She was about to go down and check on Gil when the phone rang. "Hey, Sara." Catherine greeted her. "How's Griss?"

Sara paused, watching as Sadie ran by the room with Zoe tied to her back followed closely by the children who were loudly making siren sounds. "Uhm…" She began. "Fine, I think…I don't know how he can sleep through all of this…" She said as Sadie ran into the hallway table, knocking a vase of lilies onto the carpet.

"He's still sleeping?" Catherine asked as Sara cursed under her breath and jumped up to deal with the destructive steam train in the hallway.

"I don't know how…" Sara replied, grabbing onto Sadie as the dog ran by her carrying one of Audrey's socks in her mouth. Audrey and Alex came rounding out of the bathroom, their dual sirens going at full sound. "What time did you guys get done last night?"

"I am just getting home…" Catherine replied, continuing with a chuckle. "_What_ is going on over there, Sara?"

"Trauma in room four." Sara answered as she removed Zoe from Sadie's collar, causing her small daughter to scream in protest.

"She's gotta get to the _hoppital_!" Audrey wailed. "She got smooshed!"

Sara held out the stuffed rabbit to her daughter. "She needs a life flight." She told her. "This ambulance is now out of commission."

With that, Alex grabbed the toy and took off down the stairs making helicopter sounds followed closely by his sister and eventually the dog.

"Sounds like you're busy." Catherine laughed.

"Always" Sara sighed. "I better go make sure they are not trying to use Gil as the landing pad."

"Well, I hope he is feeling better." Catherine sighed. "He never gets sick…." She paused for a yawn. "I am just pulling in my driveway…brutal case…he's lucky to not have had to work the whole night."

"Wait…" Sara asked. "Gil is sick?"

"He left a few hours into the case." Catherine replied. "Said he had a headache and needed some sleep…. Didn't he tell you?"

"No." Sara told her as she listened to the children down in the front room "He didn't come into bed last night, he slept on the couch; I figured he got home really early this morning and fell asleep watching TV…"

"Well, he left the scene around eleven…" Catherine said "...he was sick to his stomach, even. Dry heaves...it was pretty bad..."

"Wow..." Sara said; Gil was never the kind of person to leave work early, even when faced with a debilitating migraine. "That would explain why he's sleeping through all of this." She told Catherine. "I'll make sure he takes it easy today, maybe the kids and I can find something to do outside the house."

She hung up after making arrangements to go with Catherine and Lindsey to the mall later with the kids; Lindsey loved taking them to Chuck E Cheese while Sara and Catherine got pedicures. For someone that Sara thought she would never be close with, Catherine had turned out to be one of her closest friends.

When she went into the front room, Audrey and Alex sat on the couch with Gil, who lay on his side with his arm lightly wrapped around his children as they watched an episode of "Sponge Bob". Sadie lay on the floor in front of the couch, slowly shredding Audrey's sock.

Sara reached down to yank the sock away from the dog before gingerly sitting on the arm of the couch to place a hand on Gil's forehead; it was mildly warm.

"How're you feeling?" She asked him.

"I've never left a case before." He told her. "Especially a big one…"

"Well, you were sick." She replied as she smoothed her hand through his short curly hair.

"I was just tired." He replied, looking up at her. "I'm still really tired."

"People who are tired don't vomit everywhere..."

He sighed "You spoke with Catherine"

"Of course..." she continued smoothing her hand through his hair "You should go crawl in bed." She told him with a smile. "I'll make you some soup…"

"I want soup!" Alex chimed in, bouncing in spot on the couch.

"Banana soup!" Audrey joined in as she began bouncing alongside her brother. Sara noted the wince on Gil's face at the movement and reached out to still the children's movement.

"I don't have banana soup." She told them as she massaged Gil's temple with her other hand.

"Uncle Greg has banana soup!" Audrey informed her as her little finger went up her nose.

"Audriana..." Sara lectured, reaching out to remove the finger. She decided to leave the whole banana soup thing alone; in honesty, she really didn't want to know anything about what Greg might be feeding her children when they visited him. The thought alone was traumatic enough.

She stood up off of the couch, kneeling in front of Gil to look him in the eye. "You just go up to bed," She said with a soft kiss to his forehead. "I'll bring you up some Tylenol and something to eat."

"You're catering to me." He replied with a small smile.

"I like catering to you." She smiled back, kissing his forehead softly "God knows you've catered to me enough."

He attempted a grin, but broke out in a hoarse cough that sounded excrutiatingly uncomfortable.

With one movement, Sara managed to sweep her children to the floor next to the dog, where they lay down on their bellies to watch the antics of the colorful sponge on TV, as she held onto Gil's head as the wave of coughs subsided. As she reached to grab him a tissue, she noticed the blood

"Gil..." She said as he lay back on the oversized couch pillow "You are bleeding..."

He reached up, wiping at his mouth with the tissue she had provided and groaned "I think I bit my lip..."

She frowned "I think you have pneumonia..."

By the time she had the children ready to head to town, she had convinced him to eat a small amount of soup and drink two large glasses of water before calling his doctor to make an appointment; when she checked on him before leaving the house, he was fast asleep deep within the comforter on their bed.

* * *

_"A little soup." He had told her, reaching out to brush the hair away from her face. "Just eat a little soup, Honey…you need something in your system."_

_"Noooo..." She groaned as she curled into a ball, wrapping her arms around her stomach; her pale face made whiter by the constant sickness her newly discovered pregnancy was causing her. On this particular day, she had become ill at a crime scene, rushing from the house to vomit repeatedly onto the carefully manicured lawn. Unsure what to do, Nick had called Grissom who had rushed to the scene to bring Sara home. "I don't want to even think about food..."_

_"Sara," He began slowly rubbing her back as she lay huddled. "You have to eat...this isn't good for you...or the baby..."_

_"I don't want to do this anymore..." She was crying now and Gil wasn't sure if it was from the surging hormones in her system, or the utter desperation from being sick. "I don't like this..."_

_"I'm sorry..." He had told her, continuing his gentle massage of her back. "Honey, I am so sorry..." And he had meant it; after all, it was his child she was carrying._

_"I vomited all over the crime scene." She cried. "I vomited on Nick's shoes..."_

_"Honey...You're pregnant...these things happen..."_

_"I puked on his shoes!" She sobbed. "His shoes! And he liked those shoes..."_

_"Sara..." He scooted closer to her so that he could smooth his hand through her hair. "Honey, come on...you're going to make yourself sick again."_

_She rolled over to look up at him, her tear stained face red from crying. "Will you love me when I'm fat?"_

_He looked down at her. 'Must be the hormones' He concluded as he watched her. "Sara, I will love you forever..."_

_With that she sat up, wrapping her arms around him as she kissed his cheek, his neck, his mouth. He pulled her into his lap and held her close before lying back down with her in his arms knowing that, no matter what ever happened, he would in fact love her forever._

* * *

Nick Stokes walked down the hallway of the crime lab, a print out of DNA results in his hand. It had been a long shift and he was ready to head home; he just had to turn in the results to Grissom first.

As he headed into his boss's office, he thought about all of the years he had spent in the lab; all the hours and overtime and dedication poured into his job. Sometimes, he even thought about doing something else; following Sara's lead and going back to school. But, then again, he enjoyed the excitement and thought he would be bored and lonely without the drama of the Vegas crime scene.

One thing about working in the lab, it kept his mind occupied and his thoughts from wondering to areas of 'What could have been'.

"Hey, Nicky." He heard Sara's familiar voice greet as he walked into Gil's office.

He looked up, caught by the way that Sara's face lit up when she saw him. "Hey, Sar." He smiled back as she sat on the corner of Gil's desk. "What're you doin' here?" He asked as Gil looked up at him.

"Trying to drag this guy out to dinner." She replied. "I hear you have been really slammed here lately."

"Yeah." He said as he handed the results to Gil. "You ever think about comin' back? Helpin' us out a little?"

"Only for you, Nicky." She replied with a wink. "But, I think that one stressed out Grissom in our house is enough." She reached out to rub her hand on Gil's back as he studied the DNA results.

"Huh." Gil frowned, looking up at Nick over the rim of his glasses. "The blood was Kiln's?"

"Yes, Sir." He replied. "Looks like we got him."

"Good job, Nick." Gil put the paper down on his desk, smiling slightly at the young Texan before him. "Tell Brass…and then go home. You look beat."

Nick glanced at Sara. "So, we still up for Disney on Friday?"

"You know it." She replied as she stood up to circle around the front of the desk. "We'll pick you up at four for dinner."

"Great…." He nodded towards Gil before smiling again at Sara. "I'll see you guys then." He waved a final goodbye to Gil and headed out the door. He and Sara were taking her children to see Disney On Ice on Friday; Gil had decided that Disney Princesses was not something he felt he could stomach, and though Nick could not blame the guy, he had jumped at the opportunity to spend some time with Sara and the kids. At one point in his life, she had been his best friend and now he was lucky to see her even once a week.

He was about to head into Jim Brass's office when he turned around and watched Sara and Gil leave the building hand in hand; and he wondered again what a person was supposed to do when the one person they were meant for was meant for someone else.


	3. Chapter 3

**Again, I do not own CSI. I am borrowing someone else's characters. All wording in italics are past events**

Sara made her way through the lab, waving occasionally at a familiar face through the glass. It was just before 9:00 AM and Gil had called her soon after she'd dropped the twins off at daycare, wondering if she could stop and pick him up; he was feeling quite ill and didn't think he should be driving.

Sara was concerned; more so than she had been over the last month as she'd watched him battle with a flu bug he couldn't seem to shake. Gil had been sick before, minor colds or infections that never amounted to much, but for him to be ill enough that he felt he could not drive was reason for her to be alarmed

Somehow Sara had the gut feeling that something more than just the flu was wrong with her husband

As she turned away from the university to head to the crime lab, she again found herself chastising him for missing his scheduled doctor appointment

She parked the SUV next to his car in the garage, stopping on her way by it to grab Alex's blanket which had somehow been left there after Gil had taken the children out for ice cream the night before. She tossed the blanket into the back of her vehicle before making her way towards his office. As she passed the process room Hodges looked up at her, smiling gleefully as he gave her a thumbs up; the ultimate symbol for "I got some last night". She rolled her eyes at him as she passed, wondering this time if it were Wendy or the new process tech they'd just hired.

How these women could swoon over him she still did not understand; especially when there was a perfectly good bachelor like Nick running around?

"_I don't know how you could still be single, Nicky" She had told him as he sat next to her at the ice show, Audrey perched happily on his lap. "All these years and you haven't found the right woman yet?"_

_His jaw clenched momentarily, but he smiled. "I found the right woman." He told her. "Problem is, she found someone else."_

"_Ouch..." Sara commented, watching as Alex jumped up and down in front of her, his spinning Aladdin light going full speed. "Why'd you never mention her before?"_

_He shrugged, glancing at her with a bit of a smirk. "Never seemed to be the right time" He replied. "Besides, if I were in a committed relationship right now, I wouldn't be able to spend my Friday night watchin' an overgrown Mouse balance on a couple razor blades with my best friend and her midgets on steroids…"_

_She smiled at him, one of her explosively contagious smiles that he found so utterly attractive. "The life of a single guy…" She said, locking arms with him. "Friday night and you're at Disney On Ice."_

"_With a married woman and twins…" He grinned back, thinking to himself that there really was no other place he'd rather be. "And to think, I could be out in the world gettin' lucky right now."_

_She laughed hard. "Yeah, right…"_

Rounding into Gil's office, she stopped abruptly. He was at his desk; head down in his arms, sound asleep, a bottle of Aleve next to his arm. She felt the familiar rush go through her at the sight of him

Entering the room quietly, she circled around to him to bend down and plant a kiss on his neck; he felt strangely warm. He stirred, rubbing his eyes on his sleeve before looking up and seeing her; the fog in his eyes slowly lifting to be replaced with a familiar gleam.

"Sara..." He said quietly.

"Hi, Baby." She smiled, kissing his forehead.

"What time is it?"

"Almost ten..."

He looked puzzled "In the afternoon?"

"In the morning" She smiled "...you really ARE tired"

He nodded and winced, rubbing the back of his neck. "Always."

"I'm sorry." She said softly, running her hand through his hair. She stopped when she felt a small lump near the base of his skull. "How'd you get this lump here?"

"Huh?" He mumbled, reaching up with his hand to feel the spot. He shrugged. "Probably sleeping at this desk..."

"Feels kind of like a swollen gland." She replied, rubbing the spot softly. "Does it hurt?"

Again, he shrugged. "No." He dropped his hand, sighing heavily. "I think I've caught one of Alex's bugs…I'm sure my immune system is on overdrive right now."

"Well," She replied as she went over to grab his jacket. "You really need to take some time off…give your body a chance to fight this thing"

"My body is getting old, Sara." He replied. "I don't think there is any amount of rest that will fight _that_ off."

She handed him his jacket with a wink, smiling seductively. "I dunno," she purred. "Your body looks…and feels… pretty good to me."

He smiled modestly at her, meeting her gaze with a lingering one of his own; how she always managed to make him feel like a 20 year-old with a crush was a mystery to him. All he knew was that when Sara smiled at him, when she touched him…when she kissed him…she had the power to make everything else disappear

And he couldn't help but wish, as they left the lab together, that she had the power to make his thumping head and aching chest disappear

* * *

He stayed home for the next three days, fighting a fever that seemed to spike sharply before disappearing completely. By the time Sara made his appointment with their family doctor, he was almost too weak to protest.

He conceded, mostly, due to his fear that Alex could catch whatever bug he had and end up back in the hospital undergoing yet another lung scan, another round of antibiotics...another myriad of shots. It had been nearly three months since his son had any sort of fever and Gil did not want to risk exposing him to his.

"Well," Dr Brewer said as he took the stethoscope he'd used to listen to Gil's breathing off of his ears "Your lungs sound pretty congested...I'm thinking you have pneumonia, Gil" He felt Gil's neck, examining the lymph nodes with a certain type of scrutiny "...and your lymph nodes are enlarged as well"

He went over to the sink, washing his hands before turning back to his patient "I'd like to run some tests, take some blood and do a complete physical. In the meantime, we'll start you on some antibiotics" As he wrote out the prescription, he glanced at Gil again "If we can't clear this up in three days, you may need to go in for IV therapy"

Gil looked at him, thankful that Sara was in class and not sitting there beside him "Here?"

Dr Brewer shook his head "At LV General," the nurse came in, handing the doctor a chart that he signed off on "…and, I want to schedule you with a CT scan and a chest x-ray…make sure we haven't missed anything"

"I'm sure the antibiotics will work fine" Gil replied with a nod

Dr Brewer sighed, pulling his stool up so that he was sitting directly across from him "Gil, you've been my patient for almost 20 years now and I need to be honest with you" He said "…what you have could be a form of pneumonia and we can find that it clears up just fine after antibiotic therapy. However, given your symptoms and their persistency, I'd like to run these tests to rule out any chance of cancer"

"I have the flu" Gil replied, thankful again that Sara was not in the room

Dr Brewer nodded "Perhaps" he said "…but you know that your father died from complications related to lung cancer…"

"He had mesothelioma…" Gil replied "…that's hardly hereditary…"

Dr Brewer patted his knee quickly "Still, we need to rule it out…"

Gil sighed "Fine…"

He was given appointments for both the CT Scan and the chest X-Ray and agreed to be back in the morning after fasting for a blood draw. He was also ordered to stay home from work for three more days, at least until the antibiotics had a chance to work

He told Sara only that they thought he had pneumonia and were giving him three days to try and clear it up and that the X Ray and CT Scan were being performed as a standard precaution

He could tell by the look on her face that she didn't believe him

* * *

He woke up with a start, feeling the incredible crushing pain on his chest. His body was drenched and he felt the pounding in his head as the migraine took root just behind his eyes. The agonizing pain reached a crescendo with every beat of his heart, every breath that he took

Why couldn't he catch his breath?

How long had he been asleep? Two hours? Three hours? He remembered falling asleep after they'd made love, Sara held tightly in his arms as he waited for the beating of his heart to return to normal.

It had been a week since his appointment, three days since he'd first began to feel like himself again…two days since the doctor informed him of the shadows they'd seen on his X-Ray...that his blood work was abnormal

He hadn't told Sara

And, he had yet to undergo the CT Scan

Not because he had forgotten but because he felt he already knew what it would reveal

Earlier, he'd felt remarkably well, heading back in to work to spend over 12 hours catching up. He'd spent the early morning hours after his shift with the twins, taking them to the park down the road to play some baseball with their little plastic bats and soft, cushiony wiffle balls. After, he'd headed to bed while Sara went to classes, the children staying with Lindsey during her Spring break

That night, he had relished in being able to join Sara in their usual routine of bathing the children before they leaped into bed with him, one under each arm, as he read their favorite book to them. It was all about bugs and although they read it almost every single night, he still found that his children's delight and unending questions about entomological wonders was worth the hassle it took to get them to sit still.

Once the book was read and their questions about why a spider wasn't a bug were appeased, which always included a perfectory inspection of their rooms to eliminate any potential arachnids, they'd both been tucked into bed for the night. On most nights such as this, Gil would head to the lab, leaving Sara to study and have the house in relative quiet until morning came again

On this night, however, he'd had the shift off and he and Sara had bathed together, enjoying the closeness before making love on the wet sheets and drifting off to sleep. It was, by all accounts, a perfect day

But, now this…

Next to him Sara stirred slightly, her arm absently reaching out to stroke his chest as she slept. He felt her shift as she woke up and could feel her lift herself up onto an elbow. "Gil?" She said quietly, her voice full of concern; she sounded distant, far away as though she were speaking to him from another room.

"_Gil?"_ This time, more urgent, pressed. "Gilbert…_Sweetheart?"_ He tried to turn his head, to look at her and tell her he was fine, just a headache but he could not manage the small movement; even his arms felt incredibly heavy.

And his stomach hurt; damn, his stomach hurt.

"Gilbert?" A light came on, soft and beckoning from her side of the room. "Oh, my God…_Gil?"_

He could feel her shaking him, knew he could feel her hands on his chest as it exploded beneath them, seeming to rip apart with every breath he couldn't take

What was wrong? _'Talk to her'_ He told himself as he tried to move his mouth, force just one sound out

Internally he screamed at himself to wake up

And, for some reason, he thought of Pink Floyd's _Comfortably Numb _lyrics

Sara's face loomed above him, her dark eyes panicked and again he found himself screaming to connect with her, yet no sound came from his lips.

Slowly, agonizingly, he seemed to lift out of the fog, feeling himself coming to the surface as though rising out of the very depths of the ocean.

He reached for her though his arms did not move and as he felt himself falling backwards, the darkness overcame him as his world went silent

**_To be continued..._**


	4. Chapter 4

**This is, to me, a dark chapter. I have been through a very similar situation and it was difficult, yet therapeutic, to write. Since beginninng this story, almost two years time has elapsed in "Sara/Gil" life, I may go back and fill in some of that time (add as flashbacks) to help bring a little light to this story. Thanks for reading and reviewing. I know it is not the 'happy-go-lucky' story but sometimes it is okay to suffer a little in the midst of sunshine**

* * *

Sara sat in the waiting room just outside of the Las Vegas Trauma Center, her hands clenched tightly in her lap. She had called 9-1-1 in a panic, trying desperately to remember her address or even the street that they lived on

She had woken from a deep sleep just after 3:00 AM to find Gil lying eerily still beside her, his cold skin a balmy white as his breathing came out in hallowed gasps

As she had reached for the phone next to their bed, she realized he had stopped breathing

The ambulance had arrived moments before Catherine pulled in the driveway and with a sick feeling Sara realized that Alex had been standing in his bedroom doorway, Mr. Biggles dangling in his small hand as he watched the paramedics rush into her bedroom and begin resuscitation on Gil's lifeless body.

Alex was crying, as if he knew already what was going on, even if he was far too small to understand it.

It took mere seconds for Catherine to grab him, scooping him up into her arms as she nodded at Sara before disappearing into Audrey's room.

To Sara, it seemed as though the entire night's events had played out in excruciatingly slow motion and she had felt completely surreal as she watched the paramedics load her husband into the back of a waiting ambulance, leaving her standing dumbstruck in their wake as she struggled to comprehend what had just happened. She had rushed into Audrey's room, soothing both of her children as they clung to Catherine, frightened by the men who had taken their father away

And now she sat, almost 45 minutes later, completely alone in a room that seemed far too cold and painfully quiet.

She heard the sound of the automated front door and looked up just as Nick came rushing through them, his eyes briefly scanning the expanse of the room before landing on her. He rushed over and she leapt out of the chair, grabbing him with such force that it nearly knocked him off balance. He held her tight, one hand on the back of her head as she began to sob "Hey…" he soothed, rubbing her back softly as he held her close "Shhhh…it's okay…Sare, it's okay…"

After a few moments she pulled away and wiped at her eyes with a trembling hand "Catherine called me" He told her "Greg is on his way in…he was clear on the other side of Henderson…"

"They won't let me see him" She said "I don't know what is going on"

He glanced around "No one has talked to you?"

She shook her head "They asked me questions…" she nodded as if in confirmation to herself "…his social security number, our insurance…if he had a DNR…" with that she began crying again and he reached over to take her hand, leading her back to the row of chairs as they sat down

He struggled to gain his own composure, looking around quickly before down at the floor "Does he?"

She looked at him "What?"

"If he…" he faltered, swallowing "…if something happens…"

"Does he want to be resuscitated? Is that what you're asking?" She was incredulous "….he's only 56, Nicky…"

He closed his eyes tightly, cursing himself for asking "I know…I know…" He looked at her, his eyes moist "Darlin', I am so sorry…"

They were quiet for what seemed like hours when the trauma unit doors opened and a blue clad doctor walked out to approach them "Mrs. Grissom?"

"My husband?" She whispered, her voice tinged with fear as she began to stand

"He is very ill" He told her in a softly firm tone "Please, stay seated…" He sat on the edge of the table in front of them "My name is Doctor Langor and I have been attending your husband since he came in this evening…as soon as he is stable enough he'll be transferred up to ICU…"

"Stable enough?"

"Mrs. Grissom," He cleared his throat "Your husband came in with a substantial amount of fluid in his lungs caused by septicaemia…we had to insert a chest tube to alleviate some of that fluid and he'll be on respiration therapy until he is able to breathe on his own without support…"

"Wait…" She stopped him, furrowing her eye brows "Without support? Are you telling me that Gil is on life support?"

Dr. Langor shook his head "No" He assured her "Not entirely, Mrs. Grissom, but you must understand that your husband is very, very ill..." He glanced at Nick before looking back to Sara "His kidney and liver functions are very low and we've started him on IV therapy…we've ordered a CT Scan and we'll be repeating an X Ray to verify Dr. Brewer's findings…"

"What findings?" She was dubious, her eyes growing wide as she began to panic

He glanced at Nick again "Mrs. Grissom, we believe that your husband has cancer…"

A roar went through her head and she began to shake it slowly "No…."

"We need to do biopsies of his lungs and liver…we will need your consent for that…"

"Gil had pneumonia" she stated, growing angry "You can't keep poking holes in him! He was feeling better…he's getting _better_…"

"We're still running tests," He said softly as Nick squeezed her hand tightly "His X-Rays showed abnormal shadowing in the right lobe…"

"_No!"_ She suddenly exploded, leaping from her chair with such force that it slammed into the wall behind her. The roaring in her head was becoming deafening and she thought she was going to be ill "_No_…you cannot tell me that you need to cut more holes in my husband!" Her voice cracked as her eyes misted over again "Gil has always been healthy…_he's healthy_…you just need to find a way to help him. Can't you just _help_ him?"

"Sara…" Nick stood, reaching for her hand but she yanked it away from him

"No" She snapped again, firmly "He cannot stand here and tell me that Gil is going to die…" she began crying again, trying hard to keep from vomiting. "People with cancer die…" She looked back to the doctor "Can't you just help him? Please…can't you just fix him?"

With a deep breath, Dr. Langor stood up to face her "We're trying" He said with a nod "But to do that we have to run these biopsies. I'm very sorry, Mrs. Grissom, truly I am. And I wish I didn't have to tell you this news…but if there is any chance of helping your husband, we have to run more tests. And we cannot do that without your permission"

As she nodded her consent, Sara felt the room spinning around her. And as the doctor disappeared behind the doors that separated her from her husband, she felt the nausea she'd been fighting overcome her and she ran into the women's bathroom, collapsing to the floor as she covered her head and sobbed

Her husband was dying and she knew there was no way she could save him

* * *

_Hello…_

The voices around him were distant, far away and unrecognizable

_Is there anybody in there?_

He wanted Sara…strained to see her, to hear her

_Just nod if you can hear me_

He was trying to nod, trying to make his mouth move…to utter her name. He could barely hear them shouting, knew they were asking his name but he couldn't make out the words

_Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying_

He could remember fading in and out, the lights above him blurring in and out of focus. He saw a masked face above him, knew he was in some sort of trouble and all he could think about was Sara…and every time he felt he was coming to the surface, something would grasp onto his conscious and pull him back beneath the abyss and he struggled to keep his head above the ominous darkness that surrounded him

He wished that someone would turn off that damn music

The last thing he thought of as he slipped again was her eyes…

Sara's beautiful chocolate eyes and how much he was going to miss them when he was gone

* * *

By the time she had finally been escorted up to his room in the ICU unit, almost all of their friends sat with her in the waiting room, forming what she felt was a protective shroud around her. Brass continually paced, stopping every few minutes to glance through the windows that led to the trauma unit. Sara could tell that he was scared

Hell, she was terrified

He would stop every few passes, staring down at her as he struggled to speak, only to close his mouth and start the pacing all over again

Almost two hours had passed by the time Catherine had arrived, dropping the twins at her house with Lindsey before stopping by the lab to pick up Warrick. Greg had rushed in shortly after the doctor had delivered the news, sitting quietly as Nick told him what was happening

The doors to the trauma unit had opened once again just after six in the morning and Sara had been shown the route along the sterile white hallways and up an excruciatingly cold elevator to find herself face-to-face with a robust looking nurse who sat at the nurses' station of the ICU unit.

Sara was shivering

The woman looked up at her, smiling kindly as she shuffled through some paperwork

"You must be Mrs. Grissom" the nurse said as Sara nodded numbly

"Sara…"

"Sara then" She smiled again, softly "I'm Rosa…." She stood up, her large arms reaching for a clip board "I know you want to see your husband, so if you come with me I'll show you to his room"

She made her way around the nurses' station, stopping in front of Sara. "Now, you have to remember that your husband is pretty sick, he has a blood infection and he can't be exposed to anything that might make him sicker, so if you have a cold or any kind of infection you can't go in his room" She began to walk and Sara, after a pause, followed "We got him all hooked up to a breathing machine and it looks pretty scary, but we have him sedated so he doesn't even know it is there" She stopped outside one of the rooms, the curtains drawn so that no one could see in. On the table next to the door were some robes and surgical masks. Rosa grabbed one of each and handed them to her "Each time you go in to see him, you have to put these on" She explained kindly "And you have to wash your hands over in that sink and put those gloves on"

Sara stood completely still, staring at the items in Rosa's hand. She made no move to take them, her eyes wide with fright as she glanced from the contents in the woman's hands to the light blue curtain across the door in front of her.

Rosa sighed knowingly "You're scared to death, aren't you?"

Sara nodded slowly, swallowing as she reached for the robe and mask. Rosa reached out, putting a hand on Sara's arm "You just go in there and talk to him" She said reassuringly "Chances are he can hear you, even if he can't see you"

Again Sara nodded and allowed Rosa to lead her to the sink, where she washed her hands before donning the rob, mask and a pair of sterile gloves. "You ready?" As Sara nodded once again, Rosa slid the curtain back and stepped aside and Sara felt her knees give out on her. If it hadn't been for Rosa's solid form next to her, she would have hit the floor

His eyes were taped closed, the tube that kept him breathing held in place by even more tape…he had wires and tubes attached to his body and she could see the tubing that drained the fluid from his lungs filling with the bright red color of blood. She fought the overwhelming urge to bolt from the room, knowing if she did she may not come back

There was no way in hell that the weak form in front of her was her husband

_No way in hell_

"Will you be alright, honey?" Rosa asked as Sara realized she'd backed almost all of the way out of the room

Sara looked at her "Yes" she lied "Thank you"

Again Rosa reached out and touched her arm "Remember, just talk to him…he's still your husband inside of all those hoses…he's just having a little difficulty doing all this living on his own right now"

Sara nodded numbly once again, walking slowly into the room. Behind her, she could hear the curtains closing and glanced back to see that Rosa was gone. As she turned back to Gil, she had to stifle the sob that came to her throat and stood for a few minutes before approaching his bed.

The respirator pumping oxygen into his lungs filled the room with an ominous dull roar and she stared at it for a long while before reaching for his hand, stopping mid air as she realized that his arms were strapped to the rails of the bed

It was then that she bolted from the room, running down the hallway and through the door that led to the stairwell, yanking the oxygen mask off of her face in angry protest; she stopped only when she had burst through the door leading to the outside 5 floors below. She bent, hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath, the sobs she had thought were stifled rising up in her again

She began to walk, angry strides that seemed to grow more intense as she put more distance between her and the pallor form they claimed was her husband. She wasn't aware of how far she had walked or how long it had taken her but as she sat on the grass of a carefully manicured lawn she realized she needed to go back

The man in the bed was still her husband, the man who had given her his life and two amazing children. He had always been the one shining star on her horizon; their life together was the only thing she felt that she had ever done_ right_. Together they had faced struggles unimaginable to the outside world; written chapters of books without words and faced ghosts only they could see.

When she felt she was drowning, Gil was the one who reached his hand below the surface and pulled her back to life

And as she began to run back in the direction she had fled, she realized it was her time to do the same for him

* * *

He spent over a week in ICU as infection after infection seemed to ravage his already weakened body. Sara spent almost every waking moment by his bed, holding his hand and reading to him out of a scientific journal or telling him, and Rosa when she was in the room, about the twins' antics

Alex had fallen down the stairs and scraped his chin, having to be rushed in himself for two very small stitches where the bottom stair had cracked the skin. Audrey had added three new beetles to her collection, looking in her little book of bugs to find exactly what they were. When Sara had tried to help her, the little girl had given her the same disdaining look that Gil had given her so many times when she had identified one of his findings incorrectly

The two of them, she said, were so very much alike that it was almost scary

Sara never told him how she didn't sleep at night or that she had failed a final exam and was behind on her dissertation, that she had missed over a week of classes and was dangerously close to being removed from the Doctorate program they had sacrificed so much for her to enroll in. She also did not tell him that Alex's doctor was concerned that his hearing was decreasing at a rapid rate, insisting that if they did not do the surgery soon it might be too late

On the morning of the sixth day, Sara sat alone in the small ICU waiting room as the doctor's performed the biopsies that would tell her Gil's fate

The news was devastating

And, of course, she never told him that either

Instead she had went for a jog through the local park, her ipod strapped to her head as she struggled to accept the inevitible

Gil had a rare form of lung cancer that was in the extensive stage and had spread, slowly, to his lymphatic system

His prognosis was uncertain

He would need to undergo aggressive radiation and chemotherapy, surgery being ruled out as a feasible option. She had called Catherine first, followed by Brass and eventually Nick gaining from them a unified decision to undergo treatment

It was the only chance she had of saving his life

But as Sara's feet pounded the dirt trail through the park, he would never get his life back

She didn't know what to tell Alex and Audrey. They asked about Gil constantly, being only momentarily placated by her excuse that he was out-of-town and would be home soon

Alex asked her if the men were going to keep him, his eyes full of accusation as he waited for Sara's reply.

She never knew what to tell him and would instead find anything she could to distract him from the truth

How did you tell a 4 year-old that his father was dying?

Audrey wrote him letters that only a 4 year-old could understand, drawing elaborate pictures of bugs and sunflowers. Sara would put them in an envelope and Audrey would scribble 'DAD' on the front in large oversized print, putting it into the mailbox in hopes that her Daddy would see it. Sara would always wait until they were asleep before removing the envelope from the mail box and placing it in her car to bring to Gil's room.

On the seventh night of ICU, Sara had come close to a break down, her nerves and emotions drained. Her doctor had given her explicit instructions to use a sedative to get at least one night's sleep and once she had insured that Catherine was on stand by in the event that something happened with Gil, she had conceded. Nick had agreed to stay at the house to insure the children were safe in the event that Sara could not wake up

He had watched a movie with the twins, helping them into their pajamas before sending them up to brush their teeth. Sara had herself been asleep for over two hours and he was hoping to crash on the couch himself, getting as many hours of sleep as possible before he would have to head into the lab. As he was picking up their toys scattered throughout the front room, he could hear them in the upstairs hallway and went up to check on them

He found them both sitting next to Sara as she slept, a book open between them

"Hey" He said quietly as he entered the room "You know your Momma's trying to sleep..why don't you guys come with me?"

Audrey looked up at him as Alex continued studying his book and Nick realized that the little boy did not hear him

"We're waiting for Daddy to read us a book" Audrey said, her tiny little foot bouncing as she talked

Nick sighed "Sweetheart, you know your daddy will be gone for a few days"

Audrey shrugged and that is when Alex looked up at him, his eyes full of the same contempt he had seen in Sara when she was angry. His little hands let go of the book as he signed something to Nick before saying "Daddy always reads to us"

"I know, Slugger" Nick said, coming in closer. He was trying to be quiet enough to not awaken Sara, yet loud enough for the 4 year-old to hear him "But Daddy's not here right now.." he looked to Audrey "How about if you and Alex come with me and I'll read the book to you?"

"No" She pouted "You're not Daddy"

"Audrey…"

She pulled her legs up, crawling over to Sara and sliding in under the blankets. Her thumb went in her mouth and she turned away from him, snuggling as close to Sara's body as she could to show him a form of dismissal

He looked to Alex who sat and glared at him. His little hands suddenly moved in a flurry and Nick found himself wishing, again, that he knew more than just a few simple signs "I'm waiting for Daddy" His tone was challenging, stubborn, and as soon as the words came out he looked back down at the book, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to concentrate on the pictures.

Nick watched him for a moment, contemplating just picking him up and carrying him to his room but he knew that the act would elicit a raging temper tantrum that would wake Sara. With a sigh, he went over to pick up Mr Biggles who lay on the floor next to the bed. He handed it to Alex who yanked it out of his hand without looking up from the book

Even without words, Nick knew that if Gil never came home, it would be a long time before his son would forget it

* * *

To be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

**Again, I do not own CSI nor pretend to do so. Thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing; this is a little shorter chapter but wanted to be sure I update this story. Please review if you read and thank you for going through this with me. Kind of a different story for Gil & Sara...and all of us**

* * *

When she awoke the next morning, her cell phone was buzzing wildly on the stand next to the bed. As she groggily lifted out of sleep, she once again found both of her children in bed with her along with Sadie who slept at the foot of the bed. Audrey was still snuggled close, her thumb in her mouth as she lay with her face pressed closely to Sara's; Alex lay burrowed under the covers, with his small feet sticking out to lay on Gil's empty pillow. Carefully, Sara reached for the vibrating phone, catching it just before it fell off of the night stand. Looking at the screen, her heart stopped as she saw the number for the hospital

_Gil_

She answered it cautiously, her breath catching in her throat

"Is this Sara Grissom?" The male voice came over the other end; Sara recognized it almost immediately as Gil's respiratory therapist

She barely whispered her response when he continued "Sara, this is Doctor Thomas at UMC…"

"I know…"

"…I'm calling about your husband"

"I know…" Her heart was thumping, the blood rushing to her ears as she felt herself begin to panic. Next to her, Audrey began to stir and she knew it was just a matter of seconds before her daughter was awake, soon to be followed by Alex.

"Sara, I actually have good news" he said reassuringly, his voice sounding hopeful "We were able to remove the endotracheal tube early this morning….your husband is breathing on his own"

She gasped "What?"

She could almost hear the smile in his voice "He is breathing on his own, unassisted. We have begun the process of decreasing his sedation…"

She was quiet a moment as the information soaked in "…so you're saying he is waking up?"

"That is a very good possibility" He said

She ran a hand down her face as Audrey lifted her head up to look at her. Sara reached over, brushing the little girl's hair out of her eyes and smiling at her softly. "So…" She said into the phone "…is he still in ICU?"

"Yes" He replied "He's not quite out of the woods yet but this is a step in that direction"

Audrey was watching her intently as Sara thanked the doctor once again before hanging up. She sat a moment, feeling almost surreal as Audrey crawled to a sitting position, her legs tucked under her as she pulled her thumb out of her mouth, hugging Zoe close. "Momma," she said in a quiet voice "…do we getta see Daddy today?"

Sara looked at her as Alex wormed his way out from under the covers, dragging Mr Biggles along with him. Suddenly, she felt more pressure than she'd felt in the last week as her daughter's dark eyes bored into her. "I don't know, Baby" She said, once again brushing Audrey's hair aside

Audrey stared at her, the intensity of her gaze unwavering "Is Daddy comin' back?"

Sara smiled as she reached out to pull the little girl into her arms "Yes" she said, kissing the top of her head "Yes…Daddy is coming back"

"Today?"

"Not today…soon" It took a few seconds for Sara to realize that Audrey had started crying…it was first thing in the morning on a brilliant Saturday and her little daughter was in tears, her tiny body shuddering against her "Audriana," She soothed as she held her closer "…sweetheart, it's alright…"

"But its circled day" Audrey sobbed

Suddenly it all made sense to Sara. For over 5 months, Gil and Audrey had been planning a trip to the Las Vegas Convention Center to participate in the amateur entomologist exhibit; there was a section especially for children. The two of them had meticulously preserved all of her beetles, spiders and other insects in a small display case and he had helped her write their names on papers to attach to the board. On the calendar in Audrey's room, Gil had circled the date with a brilliant blue marker and they had, until he had gotten sick, crossed off each day of the months until the "circled day"; with as preoccupied as Sara had been with Gil, she had forgotten that her 4 ½ year-old was still crossing off one day each night before she went to sleep

Today was the day of the exhibit

"Oh, Audrey…" She breathed, pulling away so she could see Audrey's face "…Honey, I'm so sorry…"

"It's circled day…" Audrey cried. Sara reached out to wipe the tears off of her cheeks as Alex crawled over to them, watching them closely

"How about if I go with you?"

The frown on Audrey's face told her the answer even before she said it "You're not Daddy"

"Sweetheart…"

Suddenly Audrey yanked away from her angrily "_No!_" She screamed "Daddy promised! It's _circled_ day! I want my Daddy!"

"Audriana…"

But it was too late. Her daughter nearly fell from the bed as she ran from her, disappearing from the room as Alex sat and watched, his blue eyes wide with a mixture of sleep and confusion. Across the hall, Sara heard Audrey's door slam repeatedly as the temper tantrum began and she looked over at Alex

"Daddy come home now" he said as he signed, grabbing Mr Biggles and Zoe and marching from the room himself. Sadie sat a moment longer, her tongue out as she too stared at Sara before turning and following the direction the children had gone. A few seconds later, Audrey's screams subsided and Sara sat in a state of stupor, the cell phone still in her hand

* * *

_They day that she found out she was pregnant, she was elated. It wasn't until much later, when Gil began talk of selling the townhouse to buy them a real house with room for a nursery that she began to worry_

_There were so many things that would change for them and she wasn't sure that either of them was prepared for it_

_And, she knew, Gil was petrified. By the time their child was born, he would be 52 years old, the age that most men were looking towards retirement and perhaps their first grandchild. Gil was preparing to become a father for the first time_

_Secretly, he had never really thought they would have children. They had talked about it, had planned it and hell, he was excited about it in the beginning. But the more they talked and actually started trying to get pregnant, the more he convinced himself that it would take many months, perhaps years, for it to happen. And, by then, he felt that they would be busy with other things: traveling, conferences, studying abroad…and would both forget the notion of children and appease themselves instead with other ways to fill their lives_

_When Sara found out she was pregnant, he was panicked. Suddenly the idea of becoming a father was a rapidly increasing reality and he knew he wasn't prepared for it. It wasn't to say that he was unhappy with the news, but he was terrified at the prospect…the day he listed the townhouse for sale, the harshness of the reality set in. _

_When the ultrasound revealed the two tiny little lives they had created, Gil felt as though someone had knocked the wind out of him; he was going to have two children and he didn't even feel he was ready for just one_

_The day that they sold the townhouse, they both sat on the bed in a room they'd created so many memories in…the room they had created their children in…and talked about their future. Sara revealed that she, too, was petrified; that even though she was happy about the babies, she was scared to death of them all the same. The knowledge that they both were experiencing the same fears somehow made the situation less frightening._

_They moved into their new home, a 4 bedroom two-story house in one of the best school districts in Las Vegas, less than one month later. As they began to remodel the nursery that would eventually turn into Audrey's bedroom, they started to feel the excited anticipation of expectant parents. And the first night they'd lain together in their new home, sharing the same bed they'd shared at the townhouse, they fell asleep knowing that life for them was only just beginning_

* * *

It was well after 4 in the afternoon by the time she made it to the ICU unit that day. She had spent hours trying to coax Audrey into going to the exhibit, nearly bribing the little girl with a trip to her favorite ice cream parlor and the museum in the process. None of it had worked and instead of happily taking her mother's hand to show off her prized collection of bugs, Audrey had hidden under her bed with her tiny hands over her ears and her eyes squeezed shut screaming at the top of her lungs for her daddy

The final straw for Sara was when Sadie jumped onto the bed with Audrey beneath it, knocking the carefully assembled container of insects onto the floor where it shattered into a hundred shards of brilliantly gleaming glass. Alex stood, his eyes wide, before retreating under the bed with his sister, his screams reaching a crescendo along with hers. In tears, Sara had called Greg in desperation as she attempted to clean up the glass and scattered insect bodies while trying to calm her increasingly agitated children.

By the time she had closed the front door behind her to head to the trauma center, Greg had managed to coax both children out from under the bed and they were carefully reassembling the remaining insects onto a piece of cardboard where he told them that Gil would help them rename every single one. Both he and Sara hoped the children wouldn't notice the missing ones that Sadie had eaten

She rushed down the hallway towards Gil's room, the agitation she herself had felt all morning seeming to reach its own deafening crescendo in her head. Thoughts kept racing through her head _What if he woke up and I wasn't there? He was all alone? What if he quit breathing and they had to put him back on respiration therapy? What if he's terrified? Confused? What if, what if, what if, what if…._

She was greeted outside Gil's room by Rosa who had just closed the curtain behind her. She saw Sara rush up to grab the mask and gown and smiled brightly at her "Well, hello Sara" She said "You look like you're about to fall over…" she paused a moment before adding "Oh, Darlin'…you don't need those today"

Sara looked at her, the confusion clear on her face as she tried to calm her shaking nerves. "His platelet count is back to normal levels so you don't need to wear those anymore" Rosa winked at her, motioning to the entryway where a warning sign generally hung "See? No more restrictions"

Sara still stared, the news taking a moment to soak in. As if sensing her uneasiness, Rosa reached out to place a hand on her arm "You've been through a lot" She said "I know this is hard to go through. But, he's starting to try and live on his own again and I know he'll be happy to hear your voice. He may even just wake up for you…Lord knows I can't get that man to open his eyes for me" She shook her head as she turned to the sink to wash her hands "I don't have the right sweet voice, I guess"

After another pause, Sara thanked her before pushing the curtain aside to enter Gil's room. She stopped when she saw him, this time the feeling that swept over her was one of overwhelming relief as she realized that he was no longer hooked up to either the respirator or many of the IV's he had been relying on for over a week

He was breathing on his own

As the realism hit her, she went to the bed, stifling yet another tear as she sat carefully on the edge of the bed, reaching out with a tentative hand to brush it through his hair "Hi, Baby" She whispered, looking him over in disbelief. He looked aged; pale and thinner than she had ever seen him and he had a slight red tinge around his mouth where the tube had been. But to Sara, he looked wonderful. He looked alive

She moved her hand down his forehead, his cheek and eventually to his mouth where she traced, delicately; the outline the endotracheal tube had left before softly brushing his lips with her fingers. She leaned forward and kissed the side of his mouth softly before reaching down to hold on to his hand as she sat up "I can't wait to talk to you"

She wiped the tear off of her face, cursing herself for being emotional. She knew Gil…and their children…would need her to be strong; they were relying on her. She had to get herself under control so that they all didn't fall apart. She made a mental note to go through some of the tactics she'd learned from her counselor the months she was away from Vegas so that she could better control her overwhelming emotions.

She sat playing with the ring on her finger for a few moments before looking back up at him. What she saw made her breath catch in her throat

His eyes were open

And he was looking at her

She felt her mouth drop open as her eyes met his, the gleam of familiarity unmistakable on his face.

"Gil…" she breathed, squeezing his hand

His mouth moved slightly as he tried to find his voice "Gil…." She said again, scooting closer to him. To her amazement, she felt his fingers tighten on her hand and she looked down at them interlaced with hers. Looking back up at him, she did not dare let go of his hand to wipe the new tears that sprung to her eyes

"Hi…" she said softly as she leaned forward to kiss the side of his mouth gently once again

So quietly and in a voice so hoarse that she almost didn't hear it, he uttered "I missed you"

She felt the tears in her eyes once again and fought them "I missed you, too"

She looked at him, his beautiful blue eyes clouded with confusion "I love you, Gilbert" She said, placing a kiss on his forehead. She held her lips there a moment, relishing in the connection before pulling away

When she did, his eyes were closed

The brief moment of contact filled her with hope. He was awake…and he talked to her. For the first time in well over a week, Sara felt that things were getting better…that he was coming back to her

That maybe, just maybe, his doctors were wrong

* * *

**TBC...**


	6. Chapter 6

**For** **those of you holding on and reading this; thank you. Please review for me...this is a hard story to write but I find it therapeutic. I know that eventual death is hard to comprehend, but it is a part of life. Writing this story is helping me to cope with, and thus recover from, a very difficult loss of my own. **

**Please reveiw. I don't own CSI, of course, or else I'd make sure that they quite killing off the characters, got rid of Morgan and brought back Sophia and Wendy...But I do love to borrow their characters. Thanks**

* * *

He began to make slow progress after that, his doctors transferring him out of ICU to the oncology wing just two days after he opened his eyes for the first time. For Gil, all of the events over the last few weeks were a vague memory, barely a blur in time that he had scant recollection of.

He drifted in and out of a fog; at times he could see Sara as clearly as the day he had met her….other days he had difficulty recognizing her face or understanding her words. He found himself wondering, when he was cognizant, if he were dreaming…in one of those semi-conscious nightmares in which you are acutely aware you are dreaming but cannot seem to wake yourself up. No matter how loudly he screamed or how far he reached, he could never seem to utter a sound or move a muscle…could not seem to touch her or feel her or hold her…to _hear_ her

It was, he thought, a lot like hell.

He was frozen in a body he could not feel, in a world he did not comprehend…the silence around him frightening him more than the overwhelming panic he felt each time he opened his eyes

On the second day after being released from ICU, his doctors informed Sara that they had to start the chemotherapy. Gil's immune system was strong enough, they said, to undergo the beginning treatments. If they waited much longer, they may not be able to stave the cancer that was ravaging his body. She had agreed, signing the forms and then pacing the hallways as he was brought to the chemo center to spend nearly 6 hours hooked up to yet another machine

And he still had to undergo the targeted radiation therapy. The news hit her like a lightning bolt

She had no idea if she was strong enough to do this

Each day that she would see him, it was almost as if they were starting again at square one, repeating the previous day or the previous hour with almost meticulous replication. His doctors had warned her that this could happen, telling her time and again that it was a result of the sedation, assuring her that each day that they decreased the dose, he would become increasingly coherent.

She didn't believe them.

There were times that he recognized her only to forget her name an hour later, becoming so confused and distraught that she would need to leave the room. On those days she would run; strapping on her headphones to log as many miles as she could physically manage before calling Nick when she felt she had nowhere else to run. No matter the hour, he would stop what he was doing and talk her through it, coaxing her softly back in the direction she had ran from...amazed at her strength despite the fact that she was falling apart.

She would go home, exhausted, to find that her children were becoming increasingly distraught with each passing day...their disobedience belaying the confusion and despair that they also felt

It was times like this that she wished either she or Gil had family to take them for her until he came home

_If_ he came home

Their friends had done everything possible to help Sara care for the children, keeping them while she was at the hospital or staying with Gil while she caught up on sleep. Most days she would drop them off at the daycare center before heading in to spend her day with Gil…even though she knew he would not approve of their spending hours under the care of someone else. Not only was it expensive, but when the twins were two years old, he had turned down a major promotion for the laboratory director position in order to be home with the children while Sara attending the university for her Doctorate, keeping their time in the daycare system to a minimum. That had been a difficult decision; the director position paid substantially better than the supervisory one and Gil had put in many hours with the crime lab to deserve the offer. Turning it down was bittersweet; but at the time he insisted that not sending their children to daycare for 8 hours each day was worth the sacrifice. Their education and stability, he insisted, would be better fostered by their parents

It had also meant that they became, primarily, a one-income family. They managed to cut their costs and keep on a fairly tight budget while still managing to live comfortably; Sara had, after all, put all of her income into a savings account before the twins were born. Now that Gil was ill, she became concerned about how they would manage without any income at all. Thankfully, Gil had great medical coverage through the crime lab and did have quite a few hours of sick plus vacation pay saved up but the financial implications of his illness were beginning to reverberate through every aspect of their life. And Sara knew that his road to recovery would be a long, and expensive, journey. Briefly, she considered selling one of their vehicles but knew also that it was a rash decision; the SUV she drove was paid for and Gil's Nissan was a daily necessity. There was no way they could make it as a one vehicle family

So it was with some trepidation that she answered the call from Conrad Ecklie early that following Tuesday evening

It had already been a horrific day. She had received a panicked call from the day care director, saying that Alex was very ill and acting irrationally; he had punched another little boy and locked himself in the closet where he refused to come out, even for the nurse. "His fever is high" June had said "but I don't think that would cause his behavior" Sara had rushed from the hospital where Gil underwent yet another round of chemo and spent several minutes coaxing Alex to leave the closet. By the time Sara had arrived, Audrey had holed up there with him with her small thumb stuck in her mouth

Once she got him to come to her, she picked his small form up and he clung to her, his hot skin radiating against her neck as his tiny tears soaked her blouse, the day care director's eyes full of the quiet accusatory sympathy that Sara found herself beginning to resent. Audrey stood next to her mother, who put her other arm around her

"I told them, Momma!" The little girl said insistently, hugging her leg "I told them he woodint open da door cause he coodint hear…but they was yellin at us"

Sara looked to the day care director, who momentarily cast Audrey a disapproving glance. "Audriana," she finally said with forced kindness "Why don't you go to circle time while Mommy and I talk?"

Sara felt Audrey tighten her grip on her leg and looked down, her daughter's brown eyes imploring her. Looking back to June, Sara asked "What happened?"

Sighing, June began to explain that one of the other boys had made a comment that upset Audrey and Alex had tackled the boy before punching him in the nose. Sara looked down at the tiny little boy snuggled against her neck "Alex?" She said in disbelief

June nodded "We had just taken his temperature to check his fever…" she explained "…and were about to call you when it happened. He didn't really give us any warning…."

"He's four" Sara responded "I don't think they know _how_ to give warning…"

June balked momentarily "Sara, I think that maybe, until things settle down, it's best that the kids find another day care"

Sara looked at her, bewildered "What do you mean find another daycare?"

June sighed nervously, smoothing the hem on her skirt "Well," she began apprehensively, looking back and forth from Sara to Alex, who still clung to her with sobbing hiccups "Your son is deaf…"

"Really?" Sara said with more angry sarcasm than she had intended "That's part of the reason we chose this day care…."

June's cheeks were growing red "…and he has a temper. I can't have him going around punching other children…"

"Alex doesn't '_go around punching other children'_" Sara said in a defensively mocking tone, the heat from Alex's skin making her uncomfortable "…and he doesn't have a temper…he's just a little boy…"

"And so is the 6 year old boy he hit" June's lips pursed and Sara thought she resembled one of her first foster mothers; firm, unrelenting, prudish, judgmental. ..a bitch "Children often act out violently when there are problems at home…"

Sara glared at her "And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"Momma," Audrey looked up at her, speaking before the other woman could reply, "Jacob said our daddy died 'cause he was old"

Sara felt the rush go through her, the anger she felt reflected in the reddening of her cheeks as June looked apologetic "Sara, I'm sorry…children say things…Alex didn't hear it himself; Audriana signed to him…I think she knew what he would do…"

Sara furrowed her eyebrows "Are you insinuating that Audrey instigated this deliberately?" She huffed "June, she's _4 years old_"

June's own cheeks began to blaze as her mouth opened, momentarily caught off guard "No, Sara of course I'm not-"

"Jacob shoodint say that about Daddy!" Audrey was utterly defiant, letting go of Sara's leg to hold her small stance, her tiny hands balled into fists at her side "He shoodint! Jacob is a liar! He shoodint lie!"

"And Alex should not resort to violence when he's upset" June responded firmly before looking back to Sara "…and I can't risk having other children physically hurt because your children can't control their anger…"

Sara was livid, feeling herself like she could punch someone and thankful that holding her son kept her from doing just that "But it _is _okay with you for other children to hurt them, is that it?" She asked hotly "Bruises are alright if no one can see them? Where were you when this boy was saying those things to _my_ children?"

"I can't hear everything" June tried

"No" Sara said as she reached down to take Audrey's hand "Of course you can't…but it's funny how Alex's deafness is an issue but yours is somehow so incredibly convenient"

With that, she stormed out, grabbing the children's belongings on her way. Cindy, the daycare assistant, watched her sadly as she left, waving to Audrey as the doors opened and they walked into the blistering Vegas heat

* * *

They spent the next 4 hours at the pediatric walk-in clinic, where Alex was diagnosed with an ear infection and the beginnings of bronchitis. Sara had called Nick on the way in so that she could drop Audrey off, angrily telling him about the day care incident. After a moment, he had laughed

"Whoah," he said "He punched a 6 year old?"

"It isn't funny, Nick"

"A _six_-year old?" He repeated "I'm sorry, Sar…but your little boy's gonna be one helluva boxer someday"

"Please don't tell him that" She said as she glanced in the rearview mirror at her son, who was fast asleep in his booster chair "I don't like boxing…it's violent"

"Nah" Nick said "I'll just call him K.O.G…Knock Out Grissom…I don't know how to sign 'boxer' anyway"

By the time she received Ecklie's call later that evening, she had been given explicit instructions to bring Alex directly into the hospital if his fever reached above 101. He was barely hanging in at 100

"Hello, Conrad" She said into the receiver, glancing back over her shoulder at the children who were watching a Disney movie, Alex lying in a miserable heap on the floor

"Sidle" He greeted, the cheerfulness in his voice sounding completely forced. After 5 years of marriage, Conrad Ecklie still refused to address Sara by her married name. She considered it to be animosity…he never did like her "I hope I am not catching you at a bad moment"

She sighed "No…its fine"

There was an awkward silence "CSI Stokes tells me that your son is sick"

She sat on the couch, picking up the stuffed animal beneath her "He has bronchitis" She said, wondering why it was that Nick felt it necessary to tell Conrad about her children

"Listen," He said, his voice becoming more firm "…I've been talking to the department and you know that Grissom has 90 days of sick leave saved up…"

"Yeah, I know that…"

"He's already used almost one-third of those…" She was about to reply when he continued quickly "…Sara, we'd like to put Gil on leave with pay...at least for the next few weeks…and then we'll go from there"

She was stunned into silence. Was the Ecklie really offering to pay Gil for his time in the hospital? "What is the catch?"

He sighed "Why would you think there's a catch?" He asked, stung "Sara, look…we all know that Gil is very ill. We also know that this is not something that could clear itself up in 90 days. You know as well as I do that departmental policy is to terminate anyone who misses more than 14 consecutive days..ill or not. If that happens, you not only lose that income…but all health insurance as well." He paused "No one here wants that to happen to your family"

When she was quiet he continued "It's essentially the same process as a disciplinary leave-with-pay except that he isn't being disciplined… we have to jumble some paperwork….but we can make it happen"

She felt the tears of relief in her eyes "I would hug you if you were here right now…and I don't even like you…" she cried

"Well…I would probably hug you too" He replied "…and ditto on the like thing"

* * *

He awoke early, his clouded confusion lifting as he took in his surroundings. On the stand across from him, he could make out the scribbled drawings he recognized immediately as Alex and Audrey's...on the bedside table was Alex's drawing of him in the hat. He stared at it a long while, a sense of remorse filling him as he realized he couldn't remember the last time he had seen his children

There were cards and flowers lining the walls and something that resembled a Yankees sweatshirt pinned to the wall. He wondered where in the hell that had come from. On the white board was written _August 8. Hello! Your RN is Roxy_…concerned, he wondered what happened to the end of July

He was sick. He knew that. He remembered seeing Sara, brief moments in an ambulance and a few shaded memories of his visit…he just hadn't realized he had been sick for that long

Shifting his weight, he turned his head and his breath caught. On the stand opposite him were portraits of Sara and the twins…a family snap shot taken on the 4th of July and colorfully framed individual snapshots of each of his children. He gazed at them, the longing to see them becoming almost unbearable

A muffled sound from the doorway caught his attention and he looked over to see Sara, radiant, standing in the doorway

"Hi" She said with a smile coming in cautiously "Do you know me today?"

He frowned at her "I know you every day"

Her smile exploded across her face as she entered, kissing his forehead softly. Gil found himself relishing in her scent…soft amber with a hint of vanilla. God, she smelled good

She sat on the edge of the bed, placing her purse on the floor next to her as she took his hand "You have a little color in you this morning"

Again, he frowned at her "You seem surprised?"

The look on her face was one of puzzled wonderment…as if he were some rare beast that she had never lay eyes on before "You surprise me every single day, Gilbert"

He nodded past her at the date on the board "I've been here for awhile?"

She turned to look at the date over her shoulder before back to him "Almost two weeks"

The puzzled look on his face intensified as he thought "But I just saw Dr Brewer a few days ago…"

Her look grew serious and he could see her expression darken though she tried to veil it "No, baby" She said, squeezing his hand "That was _over_ two weeks ago…"

They were quiet as she waited for him to speak. Finally, he said "I feel somewhat as though I have been struck by a very large bus"

She laughed a bit, almost nervously and he cocked his head to the side "Are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That I am dying"

She looked as though he had struck her, a mixture of horror and agony crossing her face as tears sprung to her eyes "No" She told him, shaking her head softly "No…Gilbert I will not tell you that"

His voice was surprisingly tranquil and comforting when he replied "Then My Dear," He said as he squeezed her hand "I will have to tell you…" he looked down at their intertwined fingers before glancing back up "I am dying"

* * *

TBD...Please let me know what you think


	7. Chapter 7

**This is a really short update; I apologize. With the holidays and work travel, I have been allocated very little time for writing. I want to be able to really put the time and thought into this story and show the characters, disease and storyline the respect it deserves...I am hoping it is well written. I am working on the additional part of this update but wanted to get something out since it has been so long. Thank you all for reading and for reviewing**

* * *

_Targeted radiation therapy_

Just the sound of it stunned him into silence. He had accepted his diagnosis with reserve, cautiously nodding his head at the doctor's words as Sara sat next to him, her hand holding tightly to his. He remembered looking to her, imploring her for any sign that what the doctor was telling him was horribly wrong…that somehow it was all a mistake, a misinterpretation of his medical records, a huge misunderstanding…but instead what he saw behind her beautiful chocolate eyes was profoundly painful grief and he knew there was no mistake

He had cancer.

And after, his doctor kept asking if he was alright; would he be alright?

_No._ He had wanted to tell him _No. I'm dying…how can I be alright?_

"You're the doctor" he found himself saying "I believe you are the one who can tell me if I am going to be alright"

There was a canned response. Something about new chemotherapy medications and radiation techniques combined with drug therapy and aggressive treatments. If he was healthy enough, the doctor told them, he had a 5 to 10% chance of increasing his life expectancy by 5 years.

Gil was dumbstruck. _Healthy enough?_ What the hell did that mean? He was 56-years old…what kind of percentage did _that_ give him?

Next to him, Sara caught her breath. She had expected this answer; she had already been _told_ this answer…she had heard this same prognosis time and time again. No matter how many times she had asked the question, no matter how many times she had pushed for another alternative, the answer had always been the same.

But hearing the doctor say it to Gil and feeling his hand tighten on hers at the words, made the answer even more inevitable

Seeing the quiet torment in Sara's gaze as their eyes met, Gil agreed to the treatments. He agreed to the drug therapy, the hours of chemotherapy, nodded and acknowledged and signed forms that said he understood that his treatment could potentially make him very ill, lose his hair and deplete his immune system, leaving him virtually defenseless against infection. The more he signed and the more he nodded and the more he agreed to the never-ending list of stipulations, the more panicked he began to feel.

Suddenly and with a thundering realization, he understood that all of this meant that his life was coming to an end; that his time with Sara would be over, that his children may not remember him in more than fleeting memories triggered by unspoken events…that his life would leave a minute dent on them that would soon begin to fade. He would miss every major event in their life: their first softball game, their first day of grade school, watching them learn to drive and go to proms and graduate from high school. He would not witness them attend college, stand proudly with Sara during commencement ceremonies…that the day his daughter married, it would be someone else who gave her away at the alter

He was going to leave his children the same way his father had left him

The terror he felt was excruciating and he turned to Sara "I don't think that I can do this"

She was quiet "Gil…."

"I cannot leave Alex and Audrey…."

"Sweetheart…"

His panic was growing and he began to feel light headed "I cannot leave you…"

"Gilbert…" she was soft, moving so smoothly that he hardly realized she had drawn close to him until she wrapped her arms around him to pull him into her gentle embrace. She kissed his forehead softly, moving her lips close to his ear as she whispered "Then don't leave us….we can fight this, Gilbert…I _know _you"

He felt the anxiety begin to ebb the moment her arms encircled him, the feeling that she was somehow breathing in his panic to remove it from him was surreal "What will you do if I die?"

There was no answer. Instead, she pressed her lips to the top of his thinning hair and held them there a moment. Though Gil could not see her, she was silently fighting the tears that sprung to her eyes. After a quick glance at the doctor she said "Let's just finish with all of this bureaucratic paperwork…" she pulled back so she could smile at him "…and then I think it's time for Alex and Audrey to see their daddy. After all, if they don't soon I very well believe I could be tarred and feathered by the end of the week"

He smiled despite himself and she worked along with him to finish getting the never ending pile of paperwork complete. After, she wheeled him to the veranda in silence, both of them afraid of the answer to the one question that was looming so darkly around them:

What _would _she do if he died?

* * *

'_Why?' Audrey's question, combined with the cautious look in her eyes, made Sara cringe. She had decided the night before Gil's meeting with the doctor that she would tell the children where Gil really was. It was apparent that neither of them completely understood it_

_Sara took a deep breath and began to explain to them again. They were all three sitting in the coarse grass of the back yard where the children had been on the hunt for some illusive insect to add to Audrey's collection. Around them, their toys lay forgotten or discarded…their power wheels against the fence where they'd simulated a police chase that ended in a road block (Alex's had suffered a catastrophic break down when the front axle fell off upon impact), their sandbox was full of half-buried 'bad guys' and the random dinosaur…the pool was virtually deserted as their inflatable sea monsters bobbed slightly in the breeze that blew them gently around the water. _

_And now they sat cross legged in front of Sara, forming their own small circle as she attempted to explain in words that a 4 year old could understand. _

'_Daddy's very sick' she told them again, noticing with acuteness the way that Alex studied her lips, her hands and her ever single movement 'He's in the hospital'_

'_Why is he in the hosbible? Does he have a cold?' Audrey asked her _

_Sara thought for a moment 'It is a very bad cold but they are trying to get him better so that he can come home'_

'_But Mommy fixes colds' Audrey said matter-of-factly _

'_Mommy can't fix Daddy's cold' Sara replied_

_Audrey furrowed her eyebrows and Alex cocked his head to one side the way Gil always did while trying to fully understand something. His hands lifted, he stopped, and then he put them down 'It was the bad men' He said _

_Sara was confused 'What bad men, Alex?' She did not use sign, instead being sure to enunciate her words_

_He studied her mouth intently and then signed as he spoke 'The bad men took him away' _

'_They hurt Daddy!' Audrey suddenly exclaimed, her eyes growing wide 'The bad men took Daddy!'_

'_No, Sweetheart…' Sara reached out to brush Audrey's hair softly, reaching to pull Alex into her lap at the same time. 'Listen…' she said as Audrey moved closer '…those were not bad men…they were paramedics…you both remember what a paramedic is, right?'_

_Audrey nodded her head as Alex stayed silent, intently studying Sara 'What do paramedics do, Audrey?'_

_The little girl smiled almost happily, bouncing on her folded legs 'They help people!' she exclaimed 'Like doctors…only they get to drive a big truck like the ice cream man!'_

_Sara smiled at the innocence 'Sort of…and they help people who are very sick get to the doctor so that they can get better'_

_Alex was staring at her carefully, his small face only a few inches from her own. His eyebrows were furrowed in a look of extreme concentration as he watched her mouth moving and she could see that he was trying hard to match the words with her lip movements. Reading lips was a new thing for him; something he had started doing only a few days before…she had no idea where the idea had come from. After a few moments he asked 'Will they bring him back?'_

_She hugged him 'No, baby….but we can'_


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you all for being patient while waiting for an update. I had a hard time getting into the groove; the anniversary of my Father's death came and went as did Christmas, New Years and Easter. I had to re-write this chapter several times. Hope you are all still reading and enjoying.**

* * *

It was mid September and still the heat in Vegas was nearly unbearable. Nick stood in the middle of the Nevada desert, gazing out at the horizon for any sign of movement. There was none

Sighing, he wiped his brow with the back of his hand before opening the Tahoe's door and reaching in to grab his water; it was warm. As he slammed the door shut, his phone began to ring and he flipped it open "Stokes"

"Hey" It was Sara "Hot enough for you?"

"Nah, this is like the Antarctic on Christmas" He replied, taking a swig of the warm water "You should come out here and help me process this damn car"

"Why don't you bring it back to the lab?"

"That's a brilliant idea, Sara" He replied snidely, looking at the dented Pontiac before him "And I would love to do that, except that I think the tow truck is lost out here somewhere and I can't leave until it gets here"

"Sucks for you"

"Did you call just to harass me or do you actually want something?"

"Testy, aren't you?" She asked lightly "Actually, I was calling to remind you about the cake"

The cake. Of course he had forgotten. The following afternoon was Alex and Audrey's fifth birthday party and Sara had asked him to pick up the cake on his way to the party "Oh, shit…" he said "Was I supposed to order that?"

She laughed nervously "Very funny, Nicky…" And then a pause "You did order it right?"

"Sara…" he sighed "Do you really think I'd forget?"

"Like when you forgot to bring our wedding rings to the service or the time you forgot Greg out at the Hennessey scene for three hours?" She asked sarcastically

"You know, I'm really busy right now" He said as he kicked the tire of the Pontiac "I don't have time to discuss some duck cake"

"It's not a _duck_, Nicky. It's a Lightning Bug…and you're not busy…you're just walking around kicking tires and being bitchy"

He looked around him, as if expecting her to be standing there "You are some kind of freak, you know that?"

"That's why you love me" she said and he realized it was true "Just please don't forget the cake"

He smiled as he caught glimpse of the long-lost tow truck on the road before him "You know I won't, Sare…" he said "How's Gris?"

"Sleeping" she replied "This last round of chemo has made him pretty sick. He can't seem to keep anything down so we've spent the entire evening pouring the fluid back into him he keeps losing"

It had been just over three weeks since Gil had been discharged from the hospital and the rounds of chemotherapy and radiation had been a regular part of their daily life. He had undergone two white blood cell transfusions and had to go in once per week for antibiotic IV therapy but had been making a slow and painful progress with the help of Sara and a physical therapist. Each week, his body scans showed no change in the size or locations of the cancer cells but each week they also didn't show any reduction. Even though they all knew that no growth was a good thing, they also knew that no reduction was not

And now this. "What about the party?"

"I don't know" She sighed "We can't cancel it and Gil wouldn't let me if I tried…." There was a crash in the background and he could hear Audrey start to scream and Sara bid him a hurried farewell before hanging up

By the time of the twins' party, Nick had really almost forgotten the cake all together, having to turn around just before reaching Sara's home to go clear back across town to pick it up. Why her children couldn't be like normal 5 year-olds and have a princess or a dragon cake from Costco instead of some strange looking bug duck from a virtually unknown bakery was beyond him. Alex and Audrey were, indeed, as unusually eccentric as both of their parents

There were several cars in the driveway already and Nick knew he was late. There would be hell to pay

Rushing to the front door, he fumbled clumsily for the latch, balancing the enormous cake with one arm while precariously perching their gifts on his other. The door burst open and Catherine was there, looking relieved at the sight of him

"Oh, Thank God!" she gushed as she grabbed the gifts from his left arm "I think Sara's about to blow a gasket…where were you?

He held up the cake slightly towards her "I had to get the cake, remember?"

She looked back at him before heading to the back yard "You forgot it didn't you?"

"Hey" He replied, only mildly hurt "It's here, isn't it?"

They went through the kitchen, which smelled deliciously of Sara's vegetarian lasagna, and out the back patio door onto the large deck that connected the back of Gil & Sara's home to a large backyard encased in a large white fence with enough natural foliage to block out most of the neighbors' homes and provide a nice natural shade against the excruciating Vegas heat

Catherine directed him to the picnic table, which had been covered in a colorful vinyl table cloth ordained with colorful bugs, trees and other bright objects. Sara had covered the balcony with balloons, streamers and he could see the lady bug piñata hanging from one of the trees near the pool fence.

There was a sound of shrill laughter and Alex and Audrey were next to him, accompanied by Warrick's son Eli and a few children Nick did not know. "Uncle Nick!" Audrey jumped into his arms, planting a kiss on his cheek. She smelled of bubble gum and chocolate and felt warm from the sunshine and excitement and wore a bright blue sun dress, her dark curls held in two small pony tails. "I love our cake!"

Alex was on the bench of the picnic table, staring greedily at the cake before him. He reached out as Catherine removed the cover and stuck a finger in the frosting, glancing up with a grin at the faces of both Catherine and Nick before excitedly running off

"Little buggar" Nick laughed

"And that is why they got a bug cake" Catherine replied as Nick set Audrey back onto the ground where she bounded across the balcony to where Gil sat with Warrick, a beer in his hand as Greg tended the barbecue

Gil looked, to Nick, much better than he had in weeks. His color had come back from a pasty white to an almost healthy tan. He wore a pair of shorts and a white polo shirt with sandals and that big damn floppy hat that Sara thought was so cute. Nick shook his head; in his opinion, the thing just made him look old

"You guys trustin' him with your food?" Nick asked, motioning at Greg before opening the cooler next to them and grabbing out a beer. He opened it, taking a long swig as Warrick shrugged

"Damn dude said I was burnin' the bratwurst" He said "So I give up. Let him do all the cookin'…it's too damn hot out here anyhow" He looked to Gil with a wink "Besides, Gris and I were just contemplating a dip in the pool….coupl'a those floating mattress, a few beers…yep. That's what I'm all about"

Nick felt a hand on his shoulder and turned just as Sara planted a kiss on his cheek; she smelled amazing "Thank you, Nicky" She smiled at him as she gave him a sideways hug "I knew you wouldn't forget"

He felt himself blush, but had no idea why. Sara looked radiant, wearing a lower cut sundress without sleeves, the colors a mix of white, dark brown and greens. Her hair was pulled up into a semi bun on her head, with whisps of it falling down about her face. She looked tan, slender…breathtaking. "Wow" he said to her, stepping back to look her up and down "You are one hot lady…you gotta husband or are you just party crashing to find your next victim?"

She beamed at him as Gil replied "Hey, I _am_ her next victim"

Another swig of his beer "You are indeed a very lucky man, Gilbert Grissom" Nick replied before turning to assist Greg with the barbecue

Sara stopped long enough to kneel down in front of Gil, checking to insure he was doing alright before kissing him softly and heading over to where Catherine and Lindsey were getting the children ready for a game.

Before she left, she punched Nick in the arm "Thanks for going all the way back to get the cake"

He watched her, mocking stunned surprise as Greg shook his head "Man, she had you pegged"

"Nah," Nick replied, flipping the burgers before Greg could burn them "She is just really some kind of freak"

Later that evening, after most of the guests had gone home and Alex and Audrey were bathed and in their pajamas, they lay on either side of Gil on he & Sara's bed, each tucked into the crook of an arm as he read the book that Catherine had gotten them for their birthday. It had been a very long and strenuous day for Gil; he had opted out of his daily chemo in order to be home the entire day for the children's party and even though his nausea was less because of it, his body was aching everywhere from pushing it beyond its comfort level.

The feeling of this moment, of having both of his children next to him in the quietness of the room, each absorbed in the words of the book and the bright pictures of the animals was a feeling he knew he would never forget. The closeness he felt to both of them during this quiet time they shared was unspeakable, an emotion that only a father could understand or a mother could appreciate. To Gil it felt, if he had to die because of this disease, the feeling he had at that very moment was the one he wanted to carry with him into eternity

"Daddy?" It was Alex, who reached up to touch his chin in order to have him look at him, once he had Gil's attention, he continued "Are you gonna die?"

Gil's breath caught as he felt Audrey stiffen up slightly to lean into him more, her dark brown eyes imploring him. He squeezed them both softly, not sure what to say. His daughter spoke before he could "Jacob said you died" She told him "He said you died because you were old…but Margarita said you was sick and that sick people die"

Gil kissed the top of her head before planting a small kiss on Alex's nose, the looks in their eyes both curious and frightened "Daddy?" Alex said, trying hard to speak his words. He thought a moment and pulled his arms up to sign: "When you die you can't come back. You go away…we dowantchu to go away" And with that, his tears were flowing and he buried his face against Gil's chest. Heartbroken, Gil shifted so that he could pull his son onto his lap as Audrey sat watching, her thumb in her mouth as Zoe was held in a death grip of her own. He pulled her closer to them, holding them there for a few minutes

"I am not going to die" He told them "Not today and not tomorrow….I don't want to go away either. I want to stay here with you"

"Do you promise?" Audrey had pulled her thumb out of her mouth, staring at him seriously as she waited for a reply

But he had none. He could not promise his children something that he himself could not control; he knew he was going to die…he just didn't know when. Telling them differently would be lying to them…wouldn't it?

One glance down at his small son, who's eyes were so tormented on a day that he should be happy; his birthday and Gil decided that, against everything he'd ever believed, he would lie to his children "Yes," He smiled at him "I promise"

* * *

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Sara felt Gil's presence next to her and rolled over, her arm instinctively wrapping around him as she pressed herself close against his back, feeling his warmth radiate through her. She snuggled close, kissing the nape of his neck as she took in the familiar scent of the man she shared her life with

She had missed this, had been terrified that she would never feel _this_ again: the warmth of his body, the scent of his skin, the feeling of _him_. His time in the hospital had been draining and it was moments like this, surrounded by this feeling…his scent…that she tucked away in her memory to use someday when she knew she would have to say goodbye

No matter how hard she tried to forget it, Sara could not escape the brutal fact that her husband was dying

She felt him stir slightly and nuzzled closer to him, breathing in the soft scent of musk and light spices before closing her eyes and willing for sleep. She wanted to stay this way forever, to never let him go…to _keep_ him. And before she fell into a light slumber, she began praying once again that someone, somewhere, would let her

She awoke a few hours later to the jolt of a wet nose against her cheek and opened her eyes to see Sadie, standing impatiently next to the bed. Upon seeing Sara's eyes opened, the dog let out a happy bark and began wagging her tail. Sara groaned, pushing Sadie away as she rolled over towards Gil but the bed was empty.

Panicked, she bolted upright, ready leap out of bed in search for her collapsed husband when the smell of eggs and bacon hit her. Was Gil cooking? She pulled the covers back, patting Sadie on the head as she grabbed her robe and padded her way to the hallway. She could hear cartoons playing below and the voices of the children, but not Gil

She made her way down the stairs with Sadie in the lead, carefully stepping over the toys scattered on the floor before heading into the kitchen. What she saw before her made her freeze midstride as a smile broke out on her face. Gil was at the stove, dressed in sweatpants and his favorite Hope University T-Shirt. Alex stood on a chair next to him, busily whisking a bowl of some unknown liquid while Audrey attempted to set the table

Seeing her mother, the little girl's face lit up "Momma!" She called excitedly, running over to grab Sara's hand as both Gil and Alex looked her way. Gil winked at her "We're makin' breakfast! See?"

Sara looked around. The table had been set with Audrey's Minnie Mouse dinner set, complete with a pitcher of orange juice, some fruit and a carafe of coffee. Next to each place setting were some _Toy Story_ napkins and _Sponge Bob_ paper cups. She looked over at Gil who was beaming at her before nodding to the table "Audrey did that all by herself" he commented, winking at his small daughter "She did a great job"

Alex stopped his feverish mixing to proudly proclaim "And I'm making _awfuls_!"

"Waffles" Gil signed as he spoke "They're waffles…"

Alex went back to mixing his ingredients happily "I know"

Gil came towards the table with a pan of hot scrambled eggs, depositing them on the Minnie Mouse tray that Audrey had placed in the center. As he went by Sara, he stopped long enough to give her a kiss before saying "You probably should run up and shower…before all of this gets cold"

Staring in amazement, Sara turned and left the room, showering quickly before brushing her teeth to rush down and meet them all at the table. Alex had just finished putting the syrup carafe next to the plate of heaping waffles as she sat down and she found herself once again pretending that maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be alright

* * *

"Absolutely not" Gil was unrelenting, almost angry, in his response.

It had been almost 6 weeks since he'd been home and his strength and stamina had increased steadily, although his walk was still a little unstable and at times excruciatingly slow. His doctors had approved him to return to work part time that week with the stipulation that he stay on light duty; he was not allowed out in the field. His latest scans had showed that the tumors were unchanged with no sign of new lesions and he no longer needed the white blood cell transfusions or the daily chemotherapy. He would continue with the weekly radiation treatments with twice weekly chemo and was now scheduled to give himself a daily respiratory treatment to keep his lungs open and his airways clear.

That and his hair was falling out. He didn't think he made a very attractive bald guy

"I can re-enroll in the Spring" Sara insisted, knowing that this argument was a dead end "Or in the summer…once you're healed…"

"No, Sara" He looked down at the paper in his hand, removing his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose "…You and I both know that may never happen…" She averted her eyes, the truth of his words being too difficult to hear "You have worked far too hard for far too long to just throw it all away and I refuse to let you"

"Gilbert…"

"Sara…" He matched her tone with his own "Honey, your schooling is important to you. I don't want you to give that up" He motioned at her with the paper "…and that is exactly what you're doing. Don't throw away everything you are just because I've been sick"

"That is not what I am doing" She tried to counter him, to cross her arms, to look angry but he was not backing down. She had gotten home that afternoon to find him here, in his study, looking over her probationary letter from the school. She had wanted to avoid this conversation with him, was hoping that he would not ask about why she wasn't attending classes but then the letter arrived. And even though she didn't remember giving him permission to open her mail she knew that lecturing him for that would only make him increasingly indignant

"That is exactly what you're doing!" He sighed "Can you at least sit down? This is making me feel like you're on the attack"

"Or ready to bolt" She smiled coyly "But I know you're still not quite strong enough to catch me"

He smiled back. God he loved this woman

She sat across from his desk, leaning forward as she folded her arms on the smooth wooden surface "Gil, look…" she began "…it isn't like I intentionally failed in that program or quit because I wanted to…I had to focus on you, on Audrey and Alex and on just _maintaining_. With you being so ill, Alex in and out of the doctor…losing the daycare…there was no way I could continue with the studies. Really…it isn't like I did this intentionally"

"I know that" He replied softly "But Sara, this is a goal we set together. This is something that is so very important to you and I hate to see you throw it all away just because I have cancer"

She looked a little stung and looked down for a moment "I didn't throw it away because you have cancer" She said softly, looking up at him "I re-organized my priorities and this just wasn't one of the important ones"

He reached across the desk to take her hand in his, smoothing her skin with his thumb "But it _is_ an important one" He told her in a firm, yet soft, voice "Sara, we gave up so much for this. Your job, my career…we have made sacrifices so that you could get your Doctorate, so you could reach that goal you set for yourself…even if I am gone, the goal still exists" He squeezed her hand "You are so very close to the end now and you are _brilliant_…much more brilliant than this" He tossed the probationary letter on to the desk between them "Sara, if I die, what will you do? If I die, wouldn't you go back to school?"

She looked at him, her brown eyes unreadable "I don't know…"

"You _have_ to know, Sara" He brushed his thumb across her skin "When I die, life has to go on"

She tried to pull her hand away, but he held it firmly "I don't want to talk about this, Gilbert"

"Okay" He replied "Then finish for me" He saw the look she gave him and pressed on "There is nothing in this world I would rather see before this disease takes me than you walking down the podium to reach for that degree..to call _you_ Dr Grissom….to see you succeed. Call me selfish. Call it pride…but that is a moment I want to witness, Sara. And I'm afraid, if you digress, I will miss it"

He saw the tear in her eye as she looked back down, studying their hands for a very long time before she took a deep breath and looked back up at him "Alright" She said with a nod "…alright…but when I am bitchy and throw a book at you, you will know it is all your fault"

He smiled "I think I can accept that responsibility"

* * *

He returned to work to find a huge "Welcome Home" party in his honor, complete with latex glove balloons, a cake made by their receptionist Judy and test tubes full of champagne, which was generally quite against the rules but even Ecklie decided that just one each wouldn't hurt anything.

He dove into his case files, spending the first few days just catching up. Catherine had done a nice job while he was gone, but even she could not keep up with the magnitude of files and reviews that had accumulated in his absence. He was just finishing the review of Greg's manslaughter case when a knock on the door caught his attention. Looking up, he saw Jim Brass entering the room

"Love the new look, man" He said as he entered, gesturing towards Gil's rapidly decreasing hair line

Gil scoffed at him "I hear bald is in"

"Tell me about it" Jim replied as he sat down, motioning to his own head "Why don't you just shave it all off?"

Gil furrowed his eyebrows at him over the rim of his glasses "Why would I do that?"

"You know, make a statement…" Jim replied "You're gonna lose it, might as well enjoy it"

"I don't think there's much about being bald that I am going to enjoy, Jim" He took his glasses off to toss them on the file in front of him

"I dunno…" Jim shrugged "Bald guys have more fun"

Gil laughed "That is what you keep telling me, yet you are still single"

"Ah…" Jim smiled "But I am functionally single"

He sat a moment longer, observing his friend across the desk. Gil Grissom has always been a strong man, a healthy man. The man who sat before him now was a thin shell of his former self and Jim could not help but notice the dark circles formulating around his eyes and the hallowing of his cheeks. Even though he looked much better than he had just a few weeks ago, it was obvious that he was still a very sick man "How are you doing? Really?"

Gil shrugged "Tired" he replied "It seems like I barely wake up and I am ready to go back to sleep…but that is a challenge to do when you have two 5 year olds running around"

Jim smiled "How's Sara?"

"She had a probationary review at the university this afternoon…we're hoping they'll allow her a reprieve and vacate the probation…but they haven't given us a definitive response yet"

"Well they should, bastards" Jim said "I think she had some pretty extenuating circumstances"

"Yeah" Gil nodded thoughtfully "The timing was horrible"

Jim pondered for a moment before replying "I don't think cancer gives a shit about timing, Gil…." He stood up "Now, come on…I have strict orders from your wife to take you out for a drink before we go home. I'll drive"

Gil pushed away from his desk, locking up the file he'd been working on before joining Jim in the hallway to head to the parking garage. They spent the next few hours at O'Blarney's Bar & Grill, one of Jim's personal favorites, and by the time Gil got home it was well past midnight

He found Sara asleep on the front room couch, one hand sprawled above her head as the book she'd been reading sat abandoned on her stomach. He entered quietly, removing his jacket before going to over and bending down to kiss her softly.

Her eyes opened and she looked up at him, a gentle smile playing across her lips "Hey there, Party Animal"

She moved over and he lay down next to her, pulling her into his arms. They lay together in silence for a few minutes while he played with her hair, feeling her body relax as she began drifting off to sleep. Finally, he kissed her temple before asking "What would you think if I shaved my head?"

Silence. After a few moments she lifted her head and looked at him "I think it would be amazingly sexy if you let me shave it for you"

And he did. It was well after 2 o'clock in the morning when she finished, staring with him at his reflection in the mirror before grabbing his hand and leading him to their bedroom where they made love. It was slow and gentle, full of the tender intimacy that had enveloped them since his illness

After, she lay against his chest listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beat "See?" she said, kissing his chest "I told you it would be sexy"

And he laughed, mostly because he did not understand how Sara could have viewed that hairless man staring back at them in the mirror even remotely close to sexy. And, partially, he laughed because he knew if he didn't, he would cry

* * *

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**I do not own CSI...only CBS does :) **

**I apologize for the delay in updating. Cancer has again come into our lives; my brother-in-law has been ill for quite some time now and just finished radiation to discover even more cancer elsewhere**

**I will update more quickly this next time. For those of you reading, thank you**

* * *

"Seriously though, I love the little buzz" Nick was looking at him fastidiously, staring at the top of his newly shaved head "Ya got it a little close there on top, though"

Gil's hand instinctively went to the top of his head, feeling for a little bit of stubble "Sara did it" He replied almost sheepishly

Nick grinned "Kinky"

Gil felt himself flush as Nick cleared his throat and turned away from him "Maybe I should shave my head too" he said as he glanced back at him "You know, for unity"

Gil shrugged "At least it will look good on you"

"I dunno, man…" Nick said as he snapped pictures of the evidence laid out on the table in front of them "This new look brings out something in you…"

"Cancer?"

Nick stopped, looking at him and Gil could see his jaws clench momentarily "No," He replied in an attempt to recover "Sexitude"

"Sexitude?"

"Yeah," Nick smiled again, the moment moving past them "…You know how it is when the young girls fall all over you because you have something they want, but they don't even know what it is? That thing"

"Well," Gil grabbed his clipboard and began to log the evidence "…I do not think I have ever had young girls falling all over me…"

Nick looked at him hard before winking "You got Sara"

"Must be the hair" Gil replied before falling into a silent routine. He enjoyed working with Nick. The young CSI always treated him like a friend, not a boss, and had a way of joking with him that, although at times inappropriate, made Gil feel like a regular person

And in this line of work, being a regular person was a real commodity

They had just finished submitting all of the crime scene evidence into the database when Nick's phone rang and after a few moments, he flipped it closed before looking at his boss "Breakfast" he stated "At Frank's. You're buying"

And Gil smiled. Because despite the fact that he was dying, had lost all of his hair and could hardly walk the length of the laboratory building without having to stop to catch his breath, his team still treated him like what he always wanted to be:

One of them

* * *

It was nearing the middle of November and the weather in Vegas had been unusually cold. If anyone would have asked her, she'd have said it was because even Vegas knew what was going on. Gil had been doing progressively better, stable...consistent. But even with the weekly exams that showed there had been no change, there was no shaking off the feeling that this would be his last winter in the stark Nevada desert

Sara was pacing the hallway nervously, stopping ever few steps to glance back through the Plexiglas partition between her and the pediatric out-patient surgery center

Alex was in surgery. His condition finally pushing her to a point where she had had to make a decision: do the surgery now, while he still had a chance to gain his hearing back or put it off until there was irreversible damage. Even Sara knew denying the surgery did nothing but satisfy her own selfish fear of the procedure.

It had come to her one day as she watched Alex struggling to understand Gil as he told the children about some rare beetle found only in South Africa. It seemed so blatantly cruel to Sara to rob her son of the ability to have a real conversation with his dying father…to hear the sound of his father's voice before it, too, was silenced

And in the end, that became her deciding factor

Besides, his doctors told them, Alex's immune system had finally matured enough to handle the procedure…it had been months since his last real illness and the procedure itself lasted less than an hour. Still, Sara was nervous. She had developed a rather bitter dislike of hospitals and couldn't shake the feeling that nothing good ever happened in them

Along the wall across from her, Gil sat pouring over one of his cross word puzzles, seemingly oblivious to her growing anxiety. His doctors had decreased his chemotherapy treatments to weekly as they started him on a new experimental medication that left him tired and irritable. The cancer within him seemed to grow quiet, silently lurking in the dark recesses of his body as it watched their lives pass them by. To Sara it felt like they were living with a ticking time bomb and the stress of not knowing when it would go off was almost as bad as the knowledge someday it would

"You're going to wear a hole in the linoleum" Gil finally said, peering over the top of his glasses at her

She stopped for a moment, looking over at him "It won't be the first time"

"Sara, he'll be fine" He told her firmly "You should sit. You're making me nervous"

"You _should_ be nervous" she replied as she crossed her arms "That's your son back there…."

He gave her a smile, motioning back down to the puzzle he held "What do you think _this_ is for?"

She sighed, walking over to sit next to him "I just feel like I've played this waiting game too many times before," she said "…and I hate it"

Without looking over, he reached out to take her hand in his "But at least this time you are not alone"

She smiled, squeezing his hand as she looked over the puzzle he was working on "Sollicitudo" she told him as she pointed at the page "17 down…Latin term for '_worry_'…sollicitudo…"

He looked at her this time, a smile playing across his face that spread to his eyes "You always manage to find the right word for the moment don't you, My Dear?"

* * *

Before the twins were born, they had talked about leaving Vegas…moving somewhere safer, cooler…greener. To a home with trees in the yard where the children could build a tree fort and have tire swings…where they could be children and go camping and grow up in a world without a constant shroud of violence around them. The plan was to leave before the twins' 5th birthday, before they were old enough to make lasting memories of Vegas and the life it contained; they had actually picked the exact location, the perfect neighborhood in their dream town and even the layout of the home they would build.

Sara would teach physics at the local university, the twins would attend the best Montessori school they could find, funded exclusively by the inheritance Gil's mother had left to them. He would retire, teach when he felt like it and devote his time to his beehives, his bug collections and his children

That was the plan, anyway

Cancer, unfortunately, had completely different plans for them.

To Gil, it seemed, cancer had moved into his life and removed the life he had before it came. Nothing was the same and nothing, ever, would be the way it was meant to be. But, he supposed, maybe cancer _was _what was supposed to be. Either way, it seemed exorbitantly unfair

Two days after Alex's surgery, he could hear the sound of the water dripping in the bathroom. A week after his surgery, he was elated the first time he heard a bird outside his window. That weekend he asked his parents for an MP3 player and by the Monday following he had already downloaded over 500 songs with a little help from Greg

He would spend hours sitting in the middle of Gil and Sara's bed, excitedly talking to Gil about the moon and stars, the new science book he got from his teacher and just quietly listening as Gil told them stories about ancient bees and spiders from India. It was, to Sara, as though her son was hearing the world for the very first time

And, she imagined, in a way he really was

By the morning of Gil's 57th birthday, Alex had already surpassed his doctor's expectations and was excelling in his speech therapy class. It seemed to Sara, that once her son learned how to speak vocally, he also forgot how to stop. Even bedtime became consumed with the constant chatter of children and although Sara would have loved to put a stop to the chaos and give herself even a brief moment of silence, the happiness this time brought to Gil made her pause

She knew that children needed structure, schedules…rules…but she also knew that this time they had with their father was time they'd never get back

On the eve of his birthday, Sara found herself faced with a tangled mess of twine that coiled itself through doors, windows and over the banister to the living room. On either end of this mess was one of her children, an old tin can dug from the recycle bin to their ear, as they attempted to communicate with each other from different parts of the house. There were toys and books and papers scattered in every single room and Sara wondered if the bathtub would ever be the same again.

And Gil, it seemed, was the captain of the disaster, organizing their 'base' locations before sending Sadie off with some note or other prize destined for one of the twins' hidden location

Most of the time Sadie missed her target completely and either ate the note intended for Alex or finding her way to Sara's bed to fall asleep with the long forgotten snack still tied to her back. It was well after 9:00 PM and over an hour past the twins' bedtime when Gil received a call from the lab and had to rush off to take care of the latest person to fall victim to the lure of Vegas

By the time he returned home to climb in bed and wrap Sara in his arms, it was almost 5:30 in the morning. He lay still for a moment, willing the spinning in his head to stop long enough for him to fall asleep; the headache had started shortly after he'd arrived at the scene and twice he had had to squeeze his eyes shut to stop the dizziness that sent the world around him spiraling out of control. One time, he caught himself just as he fell towards the edge of the road, thankful for the rock wall that stopped him and even more thankful that Nick hadn't seen it happen

Next to him, Sara stirred slightly as her hand instinctively went to his arm to brush his smooth skin softly "That was a long night…" She murmured

He sighed, pressing his eyes as tight as he could as their bedroom seemed to swirl unevenly "Unbelievingly"

She lifted his hand to her mouth to plant a kiss along his fingers "You shouldn't work so many hours…" she said sleepily, followed by "Happy Birthday"

He snuggled against her, feeling the warmth of her back on his chest as the scent of her hair filled his senses "Indeed it is…"

And he fell asleep. He didn't really know how long it had taken and didn't remember actually falling asleep, but when he opened his eyes, Sara was gone and the house was silent as the November sunlight filtered its way through the black-out curtains in their bedroom. He realized, with a slight nudge of regret, that he hadn't kissed his wife goodbye before she started the day ahead of her and yet somehow he knew that she had kissed him goodnight as the day he'd had came to an end

He found his first present on the night stand next to their bed, a brightly wrapped gift with a pale green bow from Sara. Smiling to himself, he sat up, relieved that both the headache and overwhelming dizziness were gone as he reached for the package and removed the card on top '_To Celebrate another day, another year…another moment_. _I shall never take any moment with you for granted' _was written on top in Sara's neat print and again he smiled to himself

He removed the wrapping to reveal a stout box with a lid, inside was white tissue paper and beneath it an elaborate leather bound book. He stopped when he saw the cover…a perfect portrait of him, Sara and the twins. His hands fluttered over the picture briefly before he read the inscription below it:

_Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened-Dr Seuss_

And so he sat, for over an hour, in the middle of their bed as he read over each passage, turned each page and studied each picture of the life they'd built together. There were pictures from the Forensics Academy Conference where they'd met (even one of Sara in the pony tail he'd loved so much and one of him standing up front and lecturing…he wondered when she'd taken that one), photos of their time in San Francisco, their friends in Las Vegas and all of their favorite things. There were even copies woven within the fabric of the book itself of the children's drawings and artwork, including the picture of Gil in the hat that Alex had drawn for him that seemed so long ago. Sara had somehow captured every single solitary moment of their life and bound it, intimately, within the contents of a hard covered, leather book.

He read and re-read the poems and passages, touched at how Sara remembered each of his favorite verses, all of his favorite poems and many of his own personal quotes. He studied the pictures of Sara…memorizing Audrey's perfect little nose, Alex's solitary dimple…and committed everything he could to his memory, reliving the moments portrayed on the pages as he did. And although he knew that there would be no more birthdays after this, no more presents to open, birthday songs to be sung…Gil Grissom somehow felt like the luckiest man alive

**Please review and let me know you are still there...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Again, I do not own CSI nor the characters. I borrow them.**

**This is a difficult chapter and took a bit to write. As many of you are aware, cancer has taken too many of those I love and I have witnessed, firsthand, its devastation while sharing some of the bravest moments with those who carry it within them. If you are reading, please review. It helps me push forward. **

* * *

For Christmas, Gil had wanted to take the children to Disneyland. It was only a few hours away, he'd told Sara, and he was only mildly irritated at her look of incredulousness when he brought it up the first time. The second time he mentioned it, she asked him if he was feeling well and the third time she told him he was crazy; after all he refused to go to anything involving Mickey Mouse and couldn't even stomach one episode of the Mickey Mouse Club House.

'_Things _change' He told her defensively _'People change'_

She had watched him closely, her eyebrows furrowed as she did _'This is the cancer talking'_ She'd said _'Not you'_

And then he _had_ been irritated with her, storming from the room as if he were a teenager being refused the car keys for the prom. She had come into his study to find him at his desk, his back turned away from her as he stared out the window behind him

"Hey" She said as she came around to rub his shoulder "Are you really serious about this?"

He looked at her, the animosity in his eyes still apparent "I was"

He saw her struggle with that as a small smile played across her lips "But you don't even like Mickey Mouse…" she saw the beer in his hand and added "…you shouldn't be drinking that…"

His look was disdainful as he took another swallow of the beer "Add it to my list…"

And then she did smile, leaning down to kiss his cheek softly "You are really cute when you're pouting" she told him

She saw the gleam in his eyes as he asked if it was working

Again, she smiled "If I thought you were really serious, it might" She sat on the edge of his desk with a sigh "But, sweetheart, you're not really a theme-park kind of person…and crowds…well…" she shrugged "You know how much I like people"

He took another drink of the beer as his attention went once more to the window. Sara began kneading his neck softly and he closed his eyes at the feeling "Audrey and I put her insect collection back together" he finally said "We used new boards, new pins…we added a few species she didn't have before" He looked up at her and she could see the plight in his eyes, knowing that this was about much more than just a trip to Disneyland

"So this is about bugs?" her voice was smooth, almost sultry as her lip turned up slightly in one sided smile

He smiled slightly back "Partly…the California Association of Entomology's annual conference is in Los Angeles in December this year" His eyebrow raised at her "…I missed her big night, Sara, I missed Circled Day. She lost half of her collection because of it...I promised her and she worked hard to be able to show her collection off. This is so important to her.." He wiped at his eyes "I figure…well, California is only a few hours away…"

She kissed him; A full on forceful kiss that stopped him mid-sentence and nearly took his breath away. When she pulled away, he could see the glistening of tears in her eyes "Why didn't you just tell me that in the first place?"

He shrugged, humbled "I know how much you hate bugs"

She shook her head in amazement as she looked at him "Honestly, I think I hate the mouse more" She told him "But Alex and Audrey will be thrilled"

"Yeah," She replied wistfully "That is what I am hoping for…"

* * *

It was the second week of January when the headaches came back. Slow and nagging at first, like the sound of distant thunder on the horizon that threatened of the upcoming storm. He tried to work through it, to make his mind up that it was just a headache…just a minor inconvenience in an otherwise perfect life

And then the blood started. It was a slow trickle, hardly noticeable until he reached up to wipe it away, staring in disbelief at the ominous red smear on the back of his fingers. He had stood up to make his way to the men's room and wash up when the storm burst open with a thundering clap that sent him to his knees, his head held firmly between his hands as he begged the storm cloud to pass

When it did, he rushed to the bathroom, thankful that no one had witnessed it or found him here, blood on his hands and pouring from his nose. He cleaned up with shaking hands, cleaning the entire area with chemicals from the janitorial cart before grabbing his keys and leaving the building

He never told Sara about the incident and hoped that she would never find out, even though he knew it was only a matter of time before the reality of the situation became obvious to them all: his cancer was spreading

* * *

"…you can see it in the image here" His oncologist explained, pointing out a barely discernable shadow on the image before them. It was located just below the base of Gil's skull and looked, to Gil, like a smudge on an overexposed picture and not, in fact, the growing tumor his doctor told him it was

Gil had scheduled the appointment after the second debilitating headache had hit him. He had been home with Alex and Audrey while Sara continued her studies at the university, and the magnitude of feeling so utterly helpless in front of his children had horrified him. He had sat on the toilet of his and Sara's bathroom, a wet towel pressed to his face in an attempt to ward off the gushing nose bleed that accompanied it

Alex and Audrey had tried to help; bringing him ice chips and cold wash cloths. Audrey grew overly concerned that his brain itself was leaking out and made sure that he had clean towels, sitting on the floor in front of him with her head perched in her small hands to monitor his progress. Alex stood next to him, patting his back and telling him he would be alright the way that Sara always did for him when he was sick

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He didn't want his children seeing him like this

He couldn't help but wondering what kind of an impact he was making on their young lives at that very moment and that is when Gil Grissom knew what it was like to feel an almost revengeful hatred against the disease that somehow singled him out

He stared at the image on the screen, a hopeless feeling of desolation overtaking him as his doctor continued pointing to the varying images on each of his scans "Gil, I'm sorry…these cells are caused by mastisis, cancer cells from other tumors spreading into brain tissue…"

"I know that" Gil snapped almost bitterly "What are the options?"

Dr Becker sighed "There aren't many, Gil" He explained "Surgical removal of this form of tumor is very unlikely…"

"So you're telling me I just have to live with this?" Gil snapped angrily

"Gil I'm telling you…" he stopped, taking a deep breath before sitting across from Gil to look him in the eye "I hate my job sometimes, you know that?" He asked "Cancer is a relentless serial killer and no one has been able to get enough evidence on it to snap the handcuffs on…I'm sorry Gil but the only options we have are to start radiation therapy again and you'll have to start daily chemotherapy. The targeted radiation directly into the tumor itself is another option." He saw the look on Gil's face "You are going to be a very sick man...you won't be able to work"

_Shit_

"How long?"

But he didn't have to wait for the response to know the answer: after this, he would never return to the lab

On the drive home, he found himself gripping the steering wheel harder than he should. He drove faster than he knew was safe. He screamed and yelled and raged, his anger coming out of him as he cursed the God he questioned existed. He demanded answers that he would never get, he didn't want to leave his wife, abandon his children. He did not want to die

For the first time in his life, Gil had finally felt like he had everything anyone could ever want. His wife and children were his world, he found a happiness he never knew, for 50 years, had existed. Life, he thought, had become perfect. And now it was all being ripped away and he was powerless to hold onto it. How could he tell Sara? How could he explain this to Alex and Audriana, whom he'd promised he would never leave? He did not understand what he had done in his life that had been so erroneously wrong that his family deserved to pay the price for it.

He could not go straight home, could not face Sara, could not see the looks on his children's faces when they lit up at his presence knowing that soon he would take that joy away from them.

He drove for hours, winding his way through the deep Nevada desert until his eyes burned and his legs ached. He stopped near Lake Mead, walking out to sit on the lake shore as the sun began to set and he thought about the life he was leaving behind, about the first time he caught glimpse of Sara and the way he had known, even back then, that she was the one. He thought of their first kiss, the first time they made love…all of the years spent working side by side at the crime lab and he realized that those were now just wasted years. He should have just made his move, taken her home, made her _his_…that was time they could have had, should have had, together. He thought about the day he proposed and the way she said yes, about their wedding day and how he thought at that time he could never be any happier. And then he thought about the twins and the joy they had brought into his life…every second, every step, every word, every new experience…and then he thought about all of the experiences he would never have with them

And that is when, sitting on the dusky shore of the cooling water, Gil Grissom began to sob

* * *

Sara was frantic. She had called Gil's cell phone repeatedly only to get his voice mail. He had left that morning just before she headed to the university, dropping the twins off at their Kindergarten class before going to the oncologist for his weekly check up. It was now well past 8 O'clock in the evening and no one, not even the crime lab, had seen or heard from him.

Panicked, she had called Brass who sent a few of his cruisers out to search for him and the more time that ticked by, the more distraught Sara became. Her stomach was in knots, her head throbbing and a sick feeling over taking her as she paced continuously through the house, stopping every other pass to check out the front window for any sign of his car

Nick had gone to the school to pick the twins up for her and had paced with her for a few hours, spending his time entertaining Alex and Audrey while trying to keep in touch with the law enforcement officials who were scouring the Vegas landscape for any sign of Gil or his car. When he left for his shift at the crime lab, he was convinced the only call that he would get that night was for the recovery of Gil's body

Just after 9 PM, Sara saw the reflection of headlights in the driveway and hurried out the front door as Gil climbed out of the car. She rushed to him, nearly toppling him over as she grabbed him, locking her arms around his neck as she began to cry "Thank God" She cried against him "Oh, thank God"

Taken aback, Gil put his arms around her cautiously "Hey…" he said softly "I'm fine…I'm okay, Sara"

"You didn't call" She said shakily "I thought you were…." She broke off, hugging him tighter before pulling back to look him over for any sign of injury. Seeing none, her eye brows furrowed "Don't ever…_ever_…scare me like this again"

He gazed at her. Her chocolate brown eyes reflecting the street lamp behind him, the concern on her face…the exhausted look of her expression and everything he'd heard that day came rushing back at him as he kissed her forehead "I only went for a drive, Honey" He said reassuringly "I needed some…space"

She stared at him, a look of dejection crossing her face. She shook it off "You have a phone" She told him "I have a phone. I'm pretty sure you have my phone number, Gilbert. You could have called me…."

He glanced down at her lips while she talked before muttering "I'm sorry"

"I have half of the city of Vegas out looking for you right now…." She was soft, her voice soothing "…we were worried…"

"Well, I'm home" He told her, his arms slipping down around her waist "And I'm alive…so we can call off the search"

He attempted to move away, but her arms around his shoulders held him "What's going on, Gil?"

He opened his mouth as if to speak before looking away from her at the open door of their home, the soft light from the living room flooding out onto the porch as if inviting him inside…into safety. He looked back at her, at his entire world, and faulted "I'm just afraid" he told her truthfully, avoiding telling her about the scan results "I'm afraid of leaving..." He swallowed, looking again at her lips "…I'm not ready to say goodbye"

She caught his eyes with hers, amazed again at the brilliant blue that seemed to change shades to match his mood. This evening they were a shade of gray and she attempted a slight smile "Me either" She kissed him softly, placing her forehead against his as she breathed in the moment, allowing the silence to shroud them "…but tonight you scared me…and I thought that I would not have a chance to tell you goodbye...I'm not ready to say it, Gil, I'm not ready to let you go…I want to keep you, I want to fight for you…I want to scream at whoever it is that did this to you… but as much as I'm not ready to say it, I still want to have a chance to say it" She kissed him again, more urgently "So please…please just promise me you'll give me that chance"

Her forehead pressed against his, she started crying again and his arms instinctively tightened around her as she wrapped hers around his neck again "I don't want to let you go" She cried "Please…please Gil I just want to keep you"

They stood this way for a few minutes as she sobbed against him and Gil felt his own emotions boiling to the surface. The agony he felt in that moment was far more painful than any physical pain he had ever experienced and he did not know what to do to make it go away. There were no pills he could take, no magic injections; just like his cancer, there was no cure for a shattering heart.

* * *

**TBC...please review**


	12. Chapter 12

**Finally an update; this is not a long one and I thank all of you for staying with me through the months. We have lost yet another family member to cancer since I last updated. My brother-in-law passed away suddenly during treatment for skin cancer. He left behind a wife, two children and small grandchildren. If you read, I would appreciate a review. I am almost done with this story. Thank you all-KD**

* * *

The end of life always seemed so…. far away. There always seemed to be "Plenty of Time" left to do the things needing done, trips to be taken, places to visit, bills to pay. _'Let's go there next year' _or _'I can't wait until we retire so we can see that' _were anomalies that only a very few, and the very lucky, actually achieved

For Gil, the end of life had arrived like an unexpected early flight and the time he thought he would have had been sucked into a vacuum, taking all of their hopes and dreams along with it. And now, as he sat on the bed in the middle of their room as Sara packed his belongings into an "Emergency Bag" she was preparing, he suddenly felt overwhelmingly helpless.

There were so many decisions to make: Cremation or burial? He chose cremation. A big service at the Catholic Church or a small one with just friends? He did not know. He never was overly religious and hadn't been a good Catholic anyway so what would be the point? He found himself, at times, clutching his mother's rosary beads in an attempt to find the answers

Would he like a viewing? Why would they even ask him that? Hadn't they seen enough bodies at the morgue?

And what about his ashes, where would they go?

He had buckled at that question, looking at Catherine as though she had just told the world around them every single one of his darkest secrets

His discomfort did not go unnoticed

"_Gil" She had said as he tried to find anywhere else in the room to look. Anywhere but at her "…you must have…some place?"_

_He glanced at her. Why did she have to ask him these things? Didn't she understand that he was dying? That in a few short weeks he would be gone? Didn't Catherine, of all people, know how very terrified he was?_

"_I never…" He faltered, running a trembling hand over his weary face. It seemed to him like his hands were always shaking these days "…it just never came up"_

"_How could it never come up?" She gave him an odd look "Gil, you're dying…"_

_Like he didn't know that_

"_As are you" he replied with a tint of sarcasm "As is everyone…"_

"_Quit trying to be elusive" She was unsympathetic, almost harsh with him as she opened the living room shades. He sat, somewhat uncomfortably, on the edge of her couch; wishing that he still had enough strength to bolt for the door. _

_As the Vegas sun filtered in through the morning mist, Catherine came over to sit down next to him. They were quiet for a few moments before she let out a deep breath, looking over at him as she reached out for his hand "Gil, you are my absolute best, best friend in this entire crazy world. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do without you" Her voice broke and he looked at her, seeing the tears welling up in her eyes. "You have been my support and my biggest cheering section when I needed it the most. I personally think you are the one thing, aside from Lindsey, that kept me sane through all of these years" she looked down at his trembling hand inside hers a moment, pressing her palm around it tighter as if she were trying to ease the tremors through the very touch of her own skin before looking back to him "You have always been solid. Logical…You are the one person in my life who never gave up on me and kept pushing me forward whenever I fell back…" She stopped, wiping at her eyes "Oh, crap…I'm crying…"_

_He watched her, studying her lips, her chin, her eyes. He noted with curiosity the lines around her mouth and wondered when those appeared? Had he really not noticed that in the 25 years they'd known each other that Catherine was getting older? _

_He supposed he just always thought they would always stay the same_

"_I thought I could make it through all of this without blubbering like a baby" She shook herself as if she were shaking water off of her body and then, after another deep breath, she smiled at him "I don't know how Sara is strong enough to do this…if it is hard for me, it has to be miserable for her…"_

_He opened his mouth, closed his eyes, and envisioned Sara in his mind. When he saw her, he thought of softness, comfort and warmth. How would HE ever make it without HER?_

"…_and that is why you have to do this" Catherine was saying "You have to pick something…somewhere…I know it sounds so…frightening…maybe even a bit morbid right now. But, Gris, with everything else that your wife is going through, all of the decisions she's going to face alone, you should not make her have to make THIS one on her own. She should never have to wonder, for the rest of her life, if she laid you to rest in the spot you would have chosen…" She smiled softly at him again "Cancer is taking so much away from both of you; don't make it take away the one special place she can go to feel you when you're gone…"_

_Did he cry? He didn't think he did. But Catherine's arms were around him and he allowed her to cry against his shoulder, telling him how much she would miss him and how she just didn't want him to go. When they separated, he told her that he didn't want to go either_

And now as he watched Sara busying herself with the sudden zest for organizing everything Gilbert, he knew

"San Francisco" He stated

She stopped mid-stride and looked at him "What?"

He nodded "San Francisco" he faltered, swallowing hard "…when I'm gone"

She gave him an odd look that he could not read. One in which she cocked her head, ever so slightly, to the side the way he himself often did. He could see, for an agonizingly terrifying moment that she thought his words were the result of a cancer induced dementia. She blinked slowly, trying to find something to say, but he could also see her struggling against a sob that was just coming to the surface

"Come here, Sara" he motioned for her to sit next to him and she dropped the shirt she'd folded 5 times to the floor as she did. He pulled her into a weak embrace and kissed the top of her forehead, keeping his lips pressed against her skin for a long moment "We have to talk about this"

She shook her head, still silent and he waited, his lips still pressed against her skin "I would like to go to San Francisco" He said softly "In the same exact spot where we had our first kiss…" He pulled away to look at her "Do you remember?"

She nodded and swiped at a tear as she realized what he was telling her "Of course I remember" She half laughed "I thought you were going to kiss my eyeball for a minute…"

He laughed a little himself "And you should wear a pony tail…"

And she laughed; partially because she could not fathom how of all of the things in the entire world he would choose to remember, it would be the pony tail in her hair all of those years ago. But, mostly she laughed because she knew that if she didn't, she would cry

* * *

Warrick sat, spoon poised, over a heaping bowl of ice cream. He watched as Alex sat across from him, poking angrily at the pile of Mud Pie and cool whip in his bowl. Next to him, Audrey sat staring at the uncolored picture on the menu, the crayons lying forlornly next to her as her ice cream sundae melted in front of her

"C'mon guys" He said cheerfully, trying to brighten their moods "You love this place. Why aren't you eating your ice cream?"

He had picked them up for Sara after school while she helped Gil through yet another long battle with nausea brought on by the final stages of his illness. They all knew it was only a matter of time before the inevitable end, but somehow they all kept hoping for a different ending

Alex stabbed at the bowl, his hand clenched tightly on the spoon. Audrey looked up from her coloring page, her brown eyes full of an emotion that a 5 year old should never have to feel "We're not hungry" she told him

He tried to chuckle "Sure you are, Doll Face" he took a bite of his own sundae "You never pass up ice cream"

"We're _not_ hungry!" Alex suddenly said, shoving the bowl away from him so that it nearly toppled over onto the middle of the table

Warrick stopped mid-bite, staring down at the little boy. The older Alex got, the more his features became Gil's; everything from the curly light brown hair to the brilliant blue eyes…even the small dimple on the chin. If Warrick were to ever see a picture of his boss as a child, he imagined he would be staring right into the face of Alexander James Grissom.

"Alright" Warrick said, laying his own spoon down and pushing his bowl away slowly "But was that really necessary?"

Alex's eyes clouded a minute and he looked down at the table "I'm sorry"

Audrey looked from her brother to Warrick before also pushing her bowl to the middle of the table. She was careful not to push it over but it was obvious by the movement that she meant it as an act of solidarity. Warrick knew his friends' children well enough to know that the two of them could be as powerful a force together as their parents could be in the lab

After all, the Grissom-Sidle genes were explosive

He folded his arms in front of him on the table and leaned in a bit "Why don't you tell me about it?"

They were silent, both of them looking down at the table in front of them. After almost a half minute, Audrey looked over at her brother and they exchanged a secret glance that only twins could understand. Both heads lifted up to look at him at the same time and it was Alex who spoke

"Daddy promised us"

Warrick looked over to Audrey, whose brown eyes were still imploring him before meeting Alex's steel blue gaze once again "He promised you? What did he promise you?"

Again, they shared a glance before Audrey answered "He promised he wouldn't die"

Warrick felt as though someone had kicked him in the stomach. Of all things, he wasn't prepared for that. He knew that their father's illness had been weighing on them, that they may not have understood what was happening, they may have been confused by the uprooting of the life they had known…but he never realized that at 5 years old, the Grissom twins were excruciatingly aware that their father was dying

"He did?" He asked softly, reassuringly. At their blank stares, he continued "I guess sometimes we make promises that we never realize we can't keep"

"He _promised_" Alex crossed his arms in front of him

Audrey looked at her brother "That means he won't die"

When Alex looked at her she continued "Daddy doesn't lie. Daddy never lies. Daddy _promised_…"

Warrick watched as, once again, they shared a secret message shared only between the two of them and then Audrey dropped her eyes away from her brother's "Daddy never lies"

"Your Daddy's not lying to you guys" Warrick said "He would never do that. You both know that right?"

Sad eyes met his and both heads nodded simultaneously

"Your Daddy loves you both, so very much" his voice was solid, reassuring yet firm "And he would never intentionally tell either of you anything that he didn't fully, one-hundred percent believe was true. You both know that, too, don't you?"

Again, they nodded in unison

"And you both know that your Daddy is very, very sick"

Audrey bit her lip and Alex glanced at her, making her stop "He has Kansur…" Alex told him

"Yes" Warrick nodded "Do you know what that means?"

Audrey's beautiful eyes filled with tears "People with kansur die…" she whispered "…we don't want our Daddy to die…"

Before Warrick could tell her that isn't what he meant, Alex stopped him "That means Daddy lied"

And that was when Audrey began to wail


End file.
